Let’s be real: when I look in the mirror, I’m not exactly sending myself love notes. Sure, some folks might think differently, but seeing my reflection in the closet doors often leaves me cringing. The blemishes on my chin, the slight droop of my nose, the wild frizz in my hair, and the way my stomach creases when I sit—all of it adds up to a long list of things I’d rather not see. I get it; I might sound a bit dramatic or overly critical, but these feelings are real, and I can’t shake them off.
However, my urge to avoid the mirror isn’t just about the discomfort I feel when I look at myself. It’s also about the realization that my appearance isn’t the most significant aspect of who I am. In fact, it barely scratches the surface.
These days, it feels like every magazine and clothing ad is shouting about “body positivity.” “Love your body,” they say. “Everyone is beautiful!” While these messages are uplifting, they often keep women fixated on their physical appearance. Curiously, how many men hear the same advice? Not nearly as many, because society generally perceives their looks as secondary. So, while the idea of loving our bodies sounds fantastic, the pressure on women to embrace this concept should raise some eyebrows.
With all the body-positive campaigns encouraging self-love—one brand even launched a “love yourself” initiative with women posing in their underwear—you’d think there’s a direct correlation between body love and self-love. The assumption is laid out clearly in Urban Dictionary:
“Karen is so amazing. I wonder how she’s always so confident.”
“It’s because she supports body positivity.”
“That’s awesome! Loving yourself is the best way to go through life.”
But I believe we need to challenge this idea. I’ve been there, trying on fancy lingerie and scrutinizing my reflection in a bid for a spark of self-love. Spoiler alert: I never had that “Eureka! I’m beautiful!” moment. And honestly? I don’t care anymore. There are so many things I value far more—like my quirky sense of humor, my unique writing style, and my ability to lend an ear to others. Those qualities mean way more to me than any physical attribute.
Instead of obsessing over how much space my body occupies, I’d prefer to allocate less mental real estate to it altogether. Rather than striving for body positivity, I’m all about embracing body neutrality and moving forward with my life.
That said, even since adopting this body-neutral mindset, I still grapple with one significant insecurity: my feelings of insecurity itself. There’s that saying that you can’t be loved until you love yourself. But think about what that implies for those struggling with self-love: it suggests they’ll never be loved. Isn’t that a tad twisted?
Even during my moments of self-doubt, I’ve experienced love. My partners have cared deeply for me, insecurities and all. They recognized my worth beyond my body, and that’s a powerful realization.
When we tell women they must love themselves before anyone else can love them—then link self-love to body love—we inadvertently lead them to believe they are unlovable. While confidence is attractive, I’d like to tweak that saying to: “The more you love yourself, the more people will love you.” But it’s essential to know that even if you’re grappling with self-love, people can still see the beauty in you—sometimes even when you can’t see it yourself.
Let’s be real: does anyone love themselves all the time? Who are we kidding? And if someone has a day of self-doubt, will everyone suddenly stop loving them? That’s just silly.
Life doesn’t begin once we love ourselves or embrace every inch of our bodies. I’d rather enjoy a day at the beach in a comfy one-piece bathing suit than stress over a bikini that makes me feel self-conscious. It’s time we stop battling our bodies and simply find a sense of peace.
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In summary, it’s okay not to love your body. The pressure to do so can be overwhelming and misguided. Instead, focus on what truly matters—your personality, your passions, and the love you share with others. Prioritize body neutrality and live your life without the burden of self-doubt.