As I awkwardly stood there, my little one, Emma, pressed her face into my shoulder when we met her grandparents after a six-month absence. They were overjoyed to see her, but she clearly wasn’t ready for the enthusiastic welcome they had in mind. With a big smile, they reached out, and I felt Emma cling tighter to me, as though she was trying to disappear into my skin. I leaned in, half-wondering if I should just hand her over to them, but something held me back. Even that clumsy “group hug” felt like a violation of her space. And while I sensed my parents-in-law’s disappointment at my reluctance to let Emma embrace them, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was failing her.
What if Emma never wanted to hug them? Would that be such a letdown for the two elderly folks who had driven nearly 12 hours to visit? Despite the potential for disappointment, my partner and I have made a firm choice: we will not force our children to hug or kiss anyone, even us, when they aren’t comfortable. I’ve seen Emma refuse affection from her dad, and while it stings a bit, we respect her boundaries. She showers me with hugs and kisses, but sometimes she just doesn’t want to reciprocate with him. And that’s okay.
Growing up in the Midwest as a polite little Lutheran girl in the ’80s, I was taught to always consider others’ feelings and to prioritize their comfort. I became an expert at making others feel welcome. But now, as a parent, I see how detrimental this emphasis on pleasing others can be. Forcing a child to engage in unwanted physical affection isn’t a lesson in manners; it can lead to discomfort and anxiety.
By allowing our children to choose who they want to hug, we’re empowering them to take ownership of their bodies. This approach not only fosters self-confidence but also helps protect them. The Parenting Safe Children workshop emphasizes that letting kids set their own boundaries regarding affection can be a crucial shield against potential abuse. This isn’t just a theoretical concept; these subtle dynamics can have lasting impacts. A little girl who feels obligated to cuddle with her older cousin might be setting herself up for discomfort, and a boy who lets a neighbor tickle him despite feeling uneasy is risking more than just a fun moment.
Yes, it’s important to learn how to graciously accept gifts we may not like or to be polite about Aunt Edna’s questionable lasagna, but we should never teach our kids to sacrifice their own comfort for someone else’s happiness.
Furthermore, teaching our kids they have the right to refuse unwanted affection can have broader implications. It may empower daughters to stand firm against pressure from partners, like feeling obliged to engage in activities before they’re ready. If young girls learn to prioritize their own comfort and desires, they may avoid situations where they feel compelled to please others at their own expense.
This approach might even help them navigate adult relationships more healthily, reducing the likelihood of enduring toxic dynamics or feeling pressured into situations that make them uncomfortable. If we stop conditioning our children to prioritize others’ feelings over their own comfort, we set them up for healthier relationships in the future.
So while Grandma and Grandpa might be a tad disappointed by a missed hug, they’ll manage to survive an air-blown kiss or a cheerful wave. Who knows? Next time, Emma might just choose to run into their arms—on her own terms.
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In summary, by respecting our children’s boundaries when it comes to physical affection, we not only foster their sense of agency but also equip them with essential tools for healthy relationships in the future.