I have always had a knack for finding a great deal. A few years ago, when a local pharmacy announced its closing sale, my partner, Alex, and I couldn’t resist stopping by. Little did we know, it was their last day of operation, and everything was marked down by 90%! Or, for just five bucks, you could stuff a huge bag with whatever you could fit. We’re definitely team “big bag.”
With ten bucks in hand, we dashed for the drug aisle like kids in a candy store. But instead of the usual staples like Pepto-Bismol or Band-Aids, we discovered a massive jug of milk of magnesia.
“We don’t even use that,” Alex pointed out.
“Come on, it’s practically free!” I insisted. “Toss it in!”
Next, we hit the skin and hair care section. Gone were the moisturizers and shampoos, but there it was—an entire shelf of Coppertone sunscreen.
“How did people overlook this?” I wondered, stuffing about 20 bottles into my bag. “This stuff usually costs a fortune!”
As we turned the corner, we spotted a ridiculous display of banana slicers.
“Who even thought these were a good idea?” I mused.
“Seriously,” Alex replied. “It’s more work to clean that thing than to just use a knife.” We grabbed a dozen anyway.
Just then, a voice crackled over the loudspeaker: “Ladies and gentlemen, only five minutes left!” Panic set in. We split up to maximize our haul—Alex sprinted to foot care while I made a beeline for the beauty aisle. Unfortunately, all I found were used orange lipsticks and eye shadows in colors that could only flatter a mime.
I moved on to greeting cards, joining the frenzy of shoppers snatching anything in sight. I didn’t even read them; if they came with matching envelopes, they were mine! Then I spotted some brightly colored book covers with funky designs.
“How did these get left behind?” I thought, probably letting out a little “mwahaha” as I grabbed 40 packages. (Okay, they might have looked more like a first grader’s art project gone wrong, but the excitement was real.)
When we got back to the car, the hilarity continued as we examined our treasures.
“Uh, Alex,” I said, “we just bought seven packages of replacement blades for corn removers. We don’t even have corns!”
“And what about this home testing kit for kidney disease?” Alex chuckled.
We ended up with bags full of items that even a thrift store would reject—light bulbs for appliances we didn’t own, greeting cards with captions like, “Why do men love breasts? Because they’re nice!” and an absurd $111 worth of sunscreen—more than we could possibly use in a lifetime.
Then Alex zeroed in on the book covers. “What’s the plan with these?”
“I figured we could give them out on Halloween!” I said excitedly.
“Kids want candy, not book covers,” Alex replied.
“But we’re giving them candy too!” I argued. “This is just a bonus.”
Halloween came, and I set up shop by the door, ready to greet the little ghouls and goblins with candy and my “extra” surprises. The first kids rang the bell, and I complimented their costumes while handing out fistfuls of chocolate and a package of book covers. Not a single “thank you” was heard.
The scene repeated itself as I handed out goodies to a group that included Buzz Lightyear and Tinkerbell. They looked at the book covers like I had given them a Brillo Pad.
At one point, an 8-year-old Batman and his 6-year-old cop friend came to the door. I offered them candy and book covers, but Batman whispered to his friend, “She must be trying to get rid of these.”
“Excuse me, I’m not giving these away; I bought them for you!” I exclaimed, feeling defensive. “And I have good candy, not those terrible Mary Janes!”
Alex overheard the commotion and shook his head. “You’re arguing with trick-or-treaters? You’re lucky we didn’t get egged.”
I still don’t get it. I would have loved those book covers! Instead, kids seemed to prefer the usual lame treats.
Now, I stick to the classics—Milky Ways and Butterfingers. But if Batman ever comes back, he might just find a banana slicer in his loot!
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Summary
In a humorous recounting of a chaotic pharmacy closing sale, Jamie reflects on the pitfalls of bargain hunting while preparing for Halloween. Despite a haul of seemingly useless items, including book covers that no trick-or-treater appreciated, the story highlights the often comical disconnect between expectations and reality in parenting and holiday festivities.