For over eight years, my world has been dominated by two adorable little faces, and nearly everything I do revolves around them. After all, I wear the title of “Mommy.”
The moment I saw those two pink lines on the test was one of the happiest of my life. Getting married and having children were my ultimate dreams. I remember sitting in the basement with pink cream soda in a plastic wine goblet, pretending to be a glamorous adult while watching my favorite (now banned) show, Felicity, and dreaming of the future.
However, reality hit hard. Motherhood turned out to be much more than just cuddling babies and marveling at their cuteness. Who signed me up for endless chores? And what do you mean we have to eat and wear clean clothes? I thought “Stay-at-Home Mom” was a glamorous title, but it felt more like a life sentence. If only someone had warned me about all the responsibilities that came with this job!
While I appreciate the sacrifices we made so I could stay home, I wasn’t prepared for the constant barrage of decisions: nurse or bottle-feed? Cloth diapers or disposables? Our bed or his crib? Every choice felt like a test, and as a new mom, my self-doubt grew by leaps and bounds. When my second son was born, postpartum hit me like a freight train. My life revolved around diapers (store-bought, of course), naps, and advocating for my four-year-old who faced challenges he wasn’t ready for. At that point, I felt like I could only be “Mommy” and lost sight of everything else.
Gradually, I learned how to climb out of the emotional pit I found myself in. I began to genuinely smile at others again, and when my oldest started school, I felt a mix of sadness and excitement. I was eager to bond with my youngest, Oliver, in a fresh way. For the past three years, we’ve enjoyed snuggling, playing, and discovering the world together.
Now Oliver is five and kindergarten is just around the corner, which brings a wave of realization: I’m about to enter a brand new chapter in my life. My childhood dreams barely extended beyond the baby stage; all I wanted was to be a mom. But soon, I’ll have six hours of free time every weekday, and I can’t help but wonder what lies ahead.
“So, Julie, what do you enjoy doing?”
Wait a minute. Who is Julie? Oh right, that’s me…isn’t it?
As I reflect, I realize I’m not entirely sure who I am beyond the role of “Mommy.” I never planned for anything past that dream, and, like I said, reality turned out to be quite different. I’m not the same woman I was when I first saw that positive pregnancy test. I’ve changed in ways I never anticipated.
While I’ve published a novel and have more in the pipeline—things I never envisioned doing but now can’t imagine living without—I’m still left pondering: what else is there? Sure, I could scroll through Facebook or Pinterest for hours, but who wants to look back and say, “Wow, I knew everyone’s dinner plans for the week!” or “Look at all the design ideas I’ll never bring to life”?
I feel unprepared for this new phase. “Mommy” has been my identity, my everything. But now, I’m about to have the time to look in the mirror and ask the woman staring back who she is and what she enjoys. Honestly, I’m a little anxious about her response. But it’s just me in that mirror, and it’s about time I rediscover who I am.
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In summary, this journey through motherhood has been a whirlwind, one that has transformed me completely. As I prepare for this new chapter, I’m ready to explore who I am beyond being just “Mommy.”