Updated: July 27, 2014
Originally Published: Sep. 4, 2012
Parenting can be a real puzzle. It twists and turns, often leaving you feeling lost. Just when you think you’ve got the hang of it, it slips through your fingers like sand. It can leave you frazzled and in disbelief.
I’ve been a parent for 12 years now, and I see it for the capricious creature it is. When I envision the parent I aspire to be, I think of a scene from a film—like Diane Keaton in The Family Stone. She embodies the perfect mother: loving, compassionate, and radiant in the company of her family.
That dinner table scene? It gets me every single time.
But let’s be honest—my family dinners are far from cinematic. Picture more of a chaotic scene from Animal House than the warmth of The Family Stone. In reality, our dinner table is a battleground of loud kids cracking jokes, making silly noises, and declaring, “Your lasagna makes me wanna hurl,” or “Dad’s more fun than you!” and “I have no clue how I did on my test.”
If you’ve ever watched Bridesmaids, you might recall Rita’s anecdotes about her three boys. Well, we’re almost there—or maybe we’ve already arrived, and I’m just pretending otherwise. The gross phase has hit us like a surprise guest. The delightful scent of baby powder has vanished, replaced by the unmistakable aroma of armpits.
Sneakers left by the front door resemble something that’s been rotting in the sun for days. Showers take an eternity, and while sifting through piles of laundry for those ridiculously overpriced and seriously ugly Nike socks all the middle school boys are wearing, I stumble upon washcloths. Seriously? We haven’t used those since my boys were tiny. And as for the boys coming out of the shower, a whiff of shampoo is nowhere to be found. Honestly, I don’t want to know what’s happening in there. That’s why bathrooms have doors—to keep some things a mystery. I like mystery, but I also like clean hair.
I’m saying things now that I never thought I would. Like, “Being naked in the same room as the cat is probably not a great idea.” Or, “Please refrain from putting your nose near your brother’s rear end. You’ll smell that fart soon enough.” And, “While dancing on the breakfast table naked seems fun, swinging your man jewels around is inappropriate in most circles. Also, keep your penis away from my avocado smoothie.”
Did you grow up watching The Cosby Show? Remember when Heathcliff Huxtable would tease his kids, “I brought you into this world, and I can take you out”? Back then, it seemed funny, but now I totally get it.
There’s no script for parenting. It’s just you, your kids, and a whirlwind of surprises. What will they do next? And how will you respond?
Just last week, I found myself across the dinner table from my 12-year-old son, saying things I never thought I’d say. “Listen up,” I said, pointing at him, “You’re acting like a colossal jerk. Your attitude is unacceptable. You’d better change it, or when your dad gets home, he’s going to JACK you.” Wait, JACK you? What does that even mean? Is there a difference between being a regular jerk and a colossal one?
But, I was on a roll—there’s no stopping a mom on a mission. “Look at my face,” I declared. “I am the Gatekeeper. Every decision made in this house has to go through me. Change your attitude immediately, or I’ll take away everything fun from your life.” In all my Hollywood-daydreams of motherhood, I never thought I’d be cursing out my son. Did Diane Keaton ever do that? Nope—yet here I am.
I think it’s safe to say I’m a tad worried about the tween years. We haven’t even tackled driving or the whole sexting thing. One thing’s for sure: parenting is a tough job, and it’s nothing like how it’s portrayed in movies.
Because, in the end, I’m just a girl. Standing in front of four boys. Asking them to pee with a little accuracy.
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Summary:
This article humorously captures the chaos and unpredictability of parenting, contrasting the idealized versions of motherhood often seen in movies with the messy reality of daily life with kids. The author reflects on the challenges of raising boys, including their antics and the unexpected phrases that come out of her mouth as a parent.