So, you’re embarking on the exhilarating journey of becoming a gay parent? Congratulations! It’s likely that you’ve navigated a unique path—whether through adoption, IVF, surrogacy, or fostering—to reach this milestone. Now, it’s time to get ready for the adventure ahead.
Don’t fret. This isn’t another cliché article about stocking up on diapers or learning CPR. Most gay parents are probably pros at those basics, considering we’ve often spent years planning for our families. I know I was chomping at the bit to enroll in baby classes!
I wanted to craft this message specifically for you, the expectant gay parent, because there are crucial aspects of parenting not usually covered in those classes that are particularly relevant to you. Here are some insights and tips based on my experiences that will help you navigate the unique challenges of a non-traditional family.
1. Your Kids Need Perspective
Regardless of your location, your children will likely feel a bit outside the mainstream as they grow up. They’ll notice that most families consist of a mom and a dad, and that their family is a little different.
In my view, the best way to approach this is to embrace it wholeheartedly! Celebrate your uniqueness from day one. Regularly highlight what makes your family special, and do so positively. There are fantastic children’s books about LGBT families that can help. We adore “The Family Book” by Todd Parr. When we hit the page that reads, “Some families have two moms or two dads,” I ask the kids, “Who has two dads?” and they cheer, “Me!!!”
When they engage with other kids, they may even think their friends are missing out on something awesome by not having a family like ours. My kids are still young (3 ½ years old), so they haven’t asked too many tricky questions yet, but when the time comes, I’ll be ready to frame our family structure as something beautiful and special, just as I’ve been doing all along.
2. Get Ready to Out Yourself Constantly
Unless you’re flaunting a rainbow-striped t-shirt everywhere (and kudos to you if you are), you probably come across as straight most of the time. As a childless individual, this isn’t a big deal. You’re just grabbing groceries, not disclosing your private life to every stranger, right?
However, once you have kids, people will assume you’re straight even more. A baby practically screams, “I had a fling with someone of the opposite sex!” I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had a stranger, usually another mom, comment, “Your wife is one lucky lady!” (Note: Many straight women seem to have pretty terrible husbands!)
Even when my partner and I are out together with our kids, people still try to fit us into their traditional family mold. The typical comment we get is, “I guess it’s Mom’s day off!” This implies my boyfriend and I are just pals whose wives are off somewhere relaxing. Well, I’m the one who takes the spa days in our family, thank you very much!
It’s natural to want to go along with these assumptions for the sake of convenience. Most of the time, these comments are innocent small talk. But every time I’m tempted to play along, I think about my kids. They adore their dads, and I’ve been instilling in them that our family is something special. What message would I send if I pretended we were just like everyone else?
So, I proudly correct them. “Actually, there’s no mom in our family. There are two dads.” Or “I don’t have a wife; I have a partner, and he’s a man.” Then I brace myself for the potential fallout, worrying that I might encounter someone from a group like the Westboro Baptist Church. Thankfully, that hasn’t happened yet! Most people are simply embarrassed and apologize for their assumptions, which usually leads to a friendly exchange.
Remember, your kids come first. Don’t sweat what a random stranger thinks. And if you’re in a rush, correct them and keep moving. They’ll figure it out eventually.
3. Welcome to Activism for Non-Traditional Families
As a childless LGBT individual, it’s easy to live within a supportive bubble—whether that’s in a city like San Francisco or through your circle of friends. But once you have kids, you’ll find yourself stepping outside that bubble regularly.
Your children will interact primarily with kids from traditional families, and you’ll encounter people who may not fully embrace the gay experience. Even a simple outing can feel like a statement, as some folks will quickly perceive what your family is all about.
Guess what? You’re now part of the cause! Not a political person? That’s okay; this isn’t about politics. It’s about your family, and being a good parent means advocating for what’s best for your kids. If you want them to grow up in a better world than the one you had, you’ll need to speak up.
Fortunately, you can often make your point gently. For instance, when I filled out my kids’ preschool applications, they had spaces for “Mother’s Name” and “Father’s Name.” Instead of getting angry, I simply crossed out “Mother” and wrote “Father #2.” I figured the school probably hadn’t encountered many gay parents before. The next year, I noticed that the forms had changed to include two lines labeled “Parent Name.” It was a small victory, but it meant a lot to me!
4. Expect Kindness (At Least to Your Face)
Before I became a dad, I worried I’d face a lot of resistance from anti-gay sentiment. I feared preschools might reject us, other parents might avoid playdates, or we’d receive sneers in public. After all, the passage of Prop 8 hit me hard.
The good news? While some homophobia does exist, I’ve yet to experience it directly. Most encounters have been pleasantly supportive. I once wrote a piece about “The 5 People You Meet as a Gay Dad,” and the overwhelming response from other LGBT parents echoed my feelings. Even those in conservative areas often found their experiences surprisingly accepting.
So, take heart! Your decision to create a family in today’s world is commendable. I’m constantly amazed by the warmth and curiosity people express towards us, eager to learn our story or share their own connections to gay parents.
5. Be Yourself and Take Pride
Assume the best in people, and you’ll often be rewarded with positivity in return. Now, get to those parenting books for the nitty-gritty on feeding, diapering, and bathing. Parenting—whether gay or straight—is a thrilling, fulfilling, and sometimes downright challenging journey.
You’ve got a lot to learn, but it’s worth every moment!
In summary, becoming a gay parent comes with its own set of unique experiences, but with the right mindset and preparation, you can navigate this rewarding journey. Celebrate your family, embrace your identity, and don’t shy away from educating others. The world is evolving, and your family is part of that change.