Updated: Jan. 29, 2015
Originally Published: June 19, 2012
Every now and then, the nagging doubts surface. Am I doing this all wrong? Am I messing things up? What if I ruin her?
Our daughter, Lily, has a fiery temper. There was a time when her outbursts were frequent, and I felt like I was tiptoeing around, trying to avoid triggering the next explosion, all while upholding the rules we had in place.
Fortunately, those moments have become less common. Still, when she gets upset, it often leads to uncontrollable tears and clenched fists. Sometimes she swings at me, though she always misses. Yet, I can’t shake the feeling that one day, she might connect.
You’d never guess it if you met her. She’s sweet, polite, and incredibly kind. Thoughtful and helpful, I like to think she embodies the best parts of me, but I know she also carries some of my less admirable traits.
I find myself becoming the go-to person for her tantrums, probably because I feel a twinge of guilt over her behavior. Did she inherit that anger from me? Does she remember the times I lost my cool? Did I teach her that this way of coping is acceptable? Because it certainly isn’t.
These meltdowns often happen at bedtime, likely due to exhaustion. I gently guide her to her room, usually against her wishes, to protect her sisters from witnessing her breakdown. I sit in front of her door, keeping her from leaving. Sometimes, she’ll let me hold her as she vents her frustrations. Other times, I find myself distracted by my phone or admiring the room I decorated just for her.
I try to disengage and remain calm. My voice is soft, and I speak slowly.
Over the past six months, we’ve been working on strategies for her to calm down. Our conversations now start like this: “Let’s practice some calming techniques. One is taking deep breaths.” Together, we inhale and exhale, and she mimics my actions.
“Another is counting to ten slowly,” I suggest, and she joins in, sometimes even counting backward just for fun.
“And stretching or yoga can help too. It gets our bodies moving so our minds can relax.” I sit cross-legged on the floor and begin to stretch, hoping she’ll join me.
Initially, she would participate reluctantly, often needing several nudges to engage. I totally get it—sometimes, it just feels good to be mad.
But now? Now, Lily has learned to calm herself. I can ask her, “How can you calm down?” or “Which method do you want to use?” and she chooses independently.
That’s a win for me, and I hope it’s something she carries with her throughout her life—not the anger but the skills to manage it.
The best part? Although we usually practice these techniques privately, she’s starting to apply them in other situations on her own. It’s clear she’s absorbing what we’ve worked on together.
And guess what? Her little sister, Mia, just the other day told me she needed to calm down and began taking deep breaths.
Even as I occasionally question whether I’m nailing this parenting gig, I can see that my deep breaths are helping me and my girls move closer to where we need to be.
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