My 4-year-old typically enjoys a nap after preschool while watching his favorite show, Curious George. However, today was different. He lay down, only to come running to me, declaring he wanted a different program but couldn’t decide on what that might be. “I want to watch something else, but I don’t know what it is!” he cried. Makes total sense, right?
KIDS ARE CONFUSING.
What followed was a two-hour meltdown that felt akin to the heartache of my high school break-up, but with a bit more chaos. When my little tornado finally exhausted himself, he collapsed on the couch, blissfully unaware of the havoc he had wreaked.
I took a moment to breathe, gathering my thoughts while he snored like a tiny, drunk adult. In that spirit of sanity preservation, I made a list of things that are much easier than trying to reason with a 4-year-old. Spoiler alert: it’s a long list. Because honestly, trying to logic with a tiny human is like herding cats.
Here’s my compilation of 20 things that are simpler than negotiating with your pint-sized dictator:
- Shaving your legs while nine months pregnant.
- Plucking a golden egg from a fire-breathing dragon.
- Preparing a five-course meal with a 30-pound toddler on your hip.
- Surviving menopause in the sweltering Florida heat.
- Figuring out the rules of Curling.
- Public relations for Sea World.
- Conquering the galaxy.
- Being the President of the United States.
- Grocery shopping at Whole Foods while on welfare.
- Piloting a plane through the Bermuda Triangle.
- Understanding Common Core Math.
- Teaching in a public school.
- Living with a quirky genius like Sheldon Cooper (knock, knock, knock… Leonard).
- Fact-checking for a late-night comedy show.
- Doing anal bleaching for Ron Jeremy.
- Trying to have a conversation with my 9-year-old while he’s absorbed in Minecraft.
- Declawing polydactyl cats (they have six toes!).
- Shopping at Target without spending at least $100.
- Using Brillo pads for douching.
- Accompanying Billy Joel on piano.
Once, I managed to talk my way out of a speeding ticket. A few times, I’ve engaged in rational debates about politics at a bar. I know that one day, the same child who is currently turning my sanity into confetti will come to me about curfews, relationships, or a less-than-stellar Chemistry grade—and I’ll listen. But I’ll keep this list in the back of my mind, ready for payback.
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Summary: This humorous take on parenting explores the chaotic experience of trying to reason with a 4-year-old, comparing it to a variety of far more manageable tasks. With a lighthearted tone, the list highlights the unique challenges of parenthood while encouraging a sense of camaraderie among fellow parents.