What does it feel like to question the decision to have children? This is just my personal experience, and I can’t speak for anyone else.
I meticulously planned my pregnancy, convinced I wanted a baby so much that I ended up marrying the first guy who showed interest in starting a family with me. Deep down, I knew it was a questionable choice, but I thought I could manage it, even with someone who wasn’t right for such monumental decisions. The pregnancy itself was fraught with challenges, forcing me to stop working due to discomfort.
Despite the difficulties, I was thrilled about becoming a mom. The biological drive was so overwhelming that I overlooked the unmistakable warning signs my now ex-husband was presenting. Ironically, for over 27 years, I had insisted I didn’t want children. I was that hip older cousin and the cool aunt, and I thought those experiences would seamlessly translate into parenting. I was mistaken.
As I battled pregnancy-related issues, my husband was struggling too. He had a job when we married but quit shortly after, and the truth behind his job loss remains a mystery to me. He didn’t manage to secure steady employment until a year after our daughter was born, only after I bluntly told him he was financially draining me without contributing. Eventually, he enlisted in the Navy.
My immediate concern was how to support my daughter financially. I returned to work when she was just four months old and managed to stabilize our finances, despite my husband’s prolonged unemployment. Unfortunately, we faced financial struggles again when she was between 2½ and 7 years old, and then again from ages 12 to 14. Now, at 17, things are better.
However, my feelings run deeper than mere financial concerns. While many parents may face financial hardship without regretting their decision to have children, I constantly grapple with the sense that I made a mistake. I love my daughter and often refer to her as my greatest achievement. If anything were to happen to her, I would be utterly devastated—I’d want to go with her.
My regret isn’t rooted in a lack of love or a desire for her; it’s not her fault that I feel unfulfilled as a parent. I’ve never blamed her for my feelings; in fact, it makes me feel even more guilty. I can’t shake the guilt of not being the parent she truly deserves. Even if I believe I’ve done a commendable job, I still carry the weight of wishing I hadn’t taken on this role.
That being said, my relationship with my daughter is incredibly strong. We share a healthy bond; she’s a respectful, confident, and well-adjusted young woman who confides in me about things many of her friends can’t share with their parents. She thinks I’m a great mom, and her friends echo that sentiment—not because I’m trying to be the “cool friend,” but because I’m genuinely her mom.
In our home, there are rules, and she usually follows them. She has responsibilities that she manages well. She doesn’t have a relationship with her biological father (that was his choice), and four years ago, she asked my husband to adopt her. Their bond mirrors the closeness I share with her. I’ve made every effort to ensure she feels loved and wanted, even pushing through my introverted tendencies to be more affectionate. Parenting remains a struggle for me, and that guilt lingers. Yet, I also feel a profound sense of responsibility and love.
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Summary
In this personal reflection, the author shares her complex feelings about motherhood. Despite loving her daughter deeply, she grapples with regret about her decision to become a parent, stemming from difficult circumstances and a perceived lack of readiness. The story highlights the balance between love, responsibility, and the guilt that can accompany parenthood, ultimately portraying the nuanced reality of family life.