As I step back into the realm of education, I can’t help but reflect on a delightful observation from my six-year-old son, Jake: “So, let me get this straight, Mom. You went to mommy school to learn how to be a mommy, right? Now that you’re a mommy, you want to go back to school to learn to be a teacher? Oh, that makes sense. Cool!”
Welcome to Real Mom Academy—a place for mothers to hone their skills in the wild adventure that is motherhood. Inspired by Jake’s brilliant notion, I started dreaming up courses designed for moms aiming to navigate this thrilling journey. Before being admitted to Mommy University, however, there’s a foundational course you must tackle. Below is a glimpse into the syllabus that captures the essence of motherhood. If you find yourself feeling lightheaded, breaking into a sweat, or even feeling the urge to run for the hills, it might be best to postpone your application until you’re ready.
The Essential Survival Skills for New Moms:
- Expect an audience for all your bathroom activities—yes, that includes everything from peeing to dealing with the occasional pimple. Commentary and ratings will be provided, whether you want them or not!
- You’ll second-guess every decision, from what to wear to what snacks to buy, as you constantly evaluate how it impacts your little ones.
- Discover the true meaning of unconditional love. Your child will shower you with compliments about your beauty, even when you’re rocking your oldest pajamas, have crusty eyes, and breath that could clear a city block.
- You’ll grudgingly learn to smile and nod when your child sweetly requests that last, extra crispy french fry en route to your mouth.
- Forget the phrase “sound sleep.” Post-kids, even the slightest noise—like a raccoon rummaging through trash 18 blocks away—will have you checking on the kids’ safety.
- You’ll plan an exciting night out with fellow moms months in advance, only to spend the entire evening discussing, bragging about, and missing your kids.
- You will master the art of showering in under three minutes, debating whether mascara or deodorant is more important when you realize you have only two minutes to get the kids to school.
- Forgetting to wear a bra will become a norm, but you’ll never forget your child’s first word or the outfit they wore when they crawled.
- There’s sheer joy in overhearing another mom exclaim, “Are you serious?! You pooped your pants AGAIN?!” and realizing that particular mess is not your problem.
- After a long day, you’ll be thrilled when bedtime arrives—but you’ll still sneak into their rooms to watch them sleep, cherishing those moments filled with joy (and maybe a few happy tears).
Upon finishing this course, you may still feel a bit lost on the path to being the “perfect” mother. But don’t worry—just remember to keep calm, carry on, and fake it till you make it. This journey is one-of-a-kind, so buckle up, hold on tight, and savor every moment. There’s nothing else like it, mama!
For more insights on motherhood and parenting, you can check out our other resourceful post about home insemination here—it’s worth a read! Also, if you’re exploring the topic further, visit Make A Mom for expert advice. Additionally, ASRM offers fantastic resources to guide your pregnancy journey.
Summary:
Real Mom Academy is a whimsical take on motherhood, detailing the unexpected lessons and hilarious realities every mom faces. From mastering the art of quick showers to the joys and challenges of parenting, this piece captures the essence of the journey. Through humorous anecdotes and relatable experiences, it prepares future mothers for the rollercoaster ride ahead.