If you ever find yourself in need of tips on surviving a hostage situation, don’t fret—Wikipedia has your back. Complete with unsettling cartoons, the site offers 20 “simple” steps to navigate the treacherous waters of being taken against your will. While I’ve never faced down a cartoon villain, as I scrolled through these tips, I began to see how they could easily apply to the delightful chaos that is parenting.
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Regain Your Composure.
“Calm down!” Wikipedia advises. “Your adrenaline will be pumping, your heart will be pounding, and you’ll be terrified.”
As a parent, I find myself in a constant state of apprehension. Whether it’s worrying about the latest viral stories about unvaccinated kids or the potential dangers lurking in my child’s sippy cup, the fear creeps in. From the internet to the car tailgating me—what if they have kids in the backseat?—the scenarios I conjure up are endless. And those horrifying tales I can’t even imagine often end up on Facebook, shared ad nauseam. -
Be Observant.
“Never let your guard down.”
Right now, I’m sitting in one room, while my little ones are suspiciously quiet in another. Should I check on them? Probably. But do I want to discover who’s using the walls as their canvas? Not really. Yet, if I spot someone about to hurl, my instincts kick in—I quickly back away to dodge the mess. -
Maintain a Survival Mindset.
“Be positive … the odds are in your favor, but prepare for a long haul.”
This is parenting in a nutshell. It’s all about taking it one day at a time, with a sprinkle of optimism. -
Put Your Captor at Ease.
“Cooperate with your captor within reason.”
“No, needles aren’t scary!” “Yes, vegetables are super tasty!” “School is so much fun!” Sometimes, we tell our kids little fibs to ease their minds. I often resort to bribery at the grocery store: “If you’re quiet, you can have a cookie once we get to the car!” -
Keep Your Dignity.
It’s vital to remain “human” in your captor’s eyes. “Do not grovel, beg, or become hysterical.”
This is often easier said than done. After a long day, when the kids are finally asleep and I’m nursing a glass of wine, I look in the mirror and wonder: when did I become a parent? -
Communicate with Fellow Captives.
“Your communication may need to be covert.”
Fortunately, my partner and I have had years to refine our non-verbal cues. After 15 years together, we’ve mastered the art of the knowing glance. -
Keep Your Mind Engaged.
Though it’s fun spending the day with my kids, without adult interaction, I feel my brain turning to mush. Seriously, how many times can I answer, “What sound does a dragon make?” -
Blend In.
This is my crowning achievement. The article suggests not standing out among other captives. As a mom, I strive to become one with the furniture. This tactic works wonders when someone has a dirty diaper or needs help with the potty. If I’m stealthy enough, they might even run past me to ask their dad for help! -
Escape Only When the Time is Right.
Since it’s frowned upon to leave the house while my kids nap upstairs, I seize the moment as soon as my partner arrives home. Grocery shopping? Count me in! Picking up dry cleaning? Absolutely!
For more insights on the journey of parenthood, check out our post on home insemination that touches on navigating family life. Also, if you’re exploring options for starting your family, Make A Mom offers excellent resources and guidance. Plus, don’t forget to visit WomensHealth.gov for comprehensive information on pregnancy and home insemination.
Summary:
Parenting can feel like an endless hostage situation, filled with unexpected challenges and fears. By maintaining composure, staying observant, and keeping a positive attitude, parents can navigate the ups and downs of this wild journey. Communication with your partner and blending into your surroundings can help too. Remember, it’s all about survival, one day at a time!