Last week, while trudging through the mall for what felt like the hundredth time (thanks a lot, snow!), I stumbled upon a Leapster Explorer on sale for nearly 50% off. Naturally, I was intrigued. My little one enjoys her assortment of puzzles, blocks, and all that noisy plastic stuff, but let’s be real—she could happily spend her entire day lounging on the couch with her gadgets.
Like many parents, I try to keep her “screen time” to a minimum during the week, but when desperation strikes, I’m more than willing to hand over a device to maintain some semblance of peace. {You know, like during car rides, grocery shopping, torturous diaper changes, or when my husband misses his flight home on a Friday evening.} With a 6+ hour road trip looming in late March, a 50% discount on a trendy toy like the Leapster had me more excited than a kid on Christmas morning.
Before I could grab one of those beauties off the shelf, I felt the need to verify that it was a smart buy. So, I dove into Google and discovered a 3,000-word rant by a woman who believes she’s the next messiah of parenting. To summarize her tirade: her kids grew up without toys or TV, and now they’re apparently the most perfect beings on Earth. She seemed to think that only the devil himself would dare to buy electronic toys for children. {Insert eye roll here.}
Equipped with my shiny new Leapster, I started reflecting on the plethora of awful parenting advice I’ve received over the past couple of years. Spoiler alert: there’s been a lot…
- Have a glass of wine at home. This gem came from a high-risk technician after our five-month anatomical scan. Clearly, she didn’t realize I’m more of a “go big or go home” kind of person.
- Cocoa butter has caffeine in it! This enlightening comment came from a sales associate at a maternity store when I opted for my Body Shop lotion over her stretch mark cream deal.
- Only take her out if you’re wearing her in a carrier. This wisdom was shared by our pediatrician. Since The Kid was too tiny for the Baby Bjorn at birth, it took me THREE AND A HALF WEEKS to muster the courage to take her out.
- Bite back. When I asked for help with a biting issue during breastfeeding, my mother’s friend suggested I bite my baby’s arm. Apparently, it worked for her daughter.
- Sleep when the baby sleeps. Practical advice, sure, but it’s one of the most annoying things you can say to a new mom.
- Put her in her crib, close the door, and turn up the radio. This was the advice my grandma received when she left the hospital with her first child. She qualified it with, “I never had to do this, dear,” but I’ve always wondered…
- The more she’s awake during the day, the better she’ll sleep at night. After struggling with sleep issues for over 11 months, I don’t even know where to start with this one.
- If that were my child, I’d put whiskey in a bottle. And this is why my Aunt is never allowed to babysit.
- Never let her cry. While discussing sleep training at my grandfather’s funeral, my cousin’s wife lunged at me, insisting I hold my child to sleep every night, just like she did with her girls. I was thrilled when my cousin divorced that drama queen.
- It gets better. We’ve all been guilty of this one. You see a mom with a colicky baby at the mall, and the flashbacks hit you hard, making you shout, “IT GETS BETTER!” over her screaming child. The intention is good, but unless you can offer a timeline with that statement, it’s probably better to just give her an encouraging squeeze.
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In summary, navigating the world of parenting often feels like a mix of well-meaning advice and downright ridiculous tips. While every parent’s journey is unique, sometimes the best wisdom comes from trial and error—and a little humor along the way.