A few months back, I penned a piece about the things not to say to moms of boys. I aimed for humor and insight, with just a sprinkle of sarcasm. I thought about all the awkward foot-in-mouth moments I could help others avoid. Surely, someone had to speak up, right? It felt like I was writing a public service announcement, hoping to spark awareness.
To craft this list, I leaned heavily on my own experiences, venting about every mildly irritating comment I’d encountered, turning them into a stew of annoyance. When my own reservoir of irritation ran dry, I tapped into my friends’ frustrations.
Convinced I was onto something monumental—a viral sensation, if you will—I scoured for any gender-specific remarks that were in bad taste or downright judgmental. But in the end, I made myself miserable. For days, I grumbled from my metaphorical soapbox about the unkind or silly things I’d heard as a mom, especially one raising boys. I began to realize that I was searching for insults where there might have only been innocent blunders.
These “what-not-to-say” lists are everywhere. They cover topics from what non-parents shouldn’t say to parents, to what not to utter to new moms, working parents, or even those with just one child. It’s no surprise these lists have gained such traction; they’re entertaining and relatable. Who hasn’t experienced an insensitive comment? I know I’ve made my fair share of blunders—sometimes I feel like my foot has taken up permanent residence in my mouth.
Here’s the kicker: most of those silly comments weren’t meant to be hurtful. Yes, they might have been unwise, but they lacked malice. That’s a crucial distinction.
While some of these lists can raise awareness where it’s needed, I can’t help but feel that we’ve taken this trend too far. It often leaves us feeling anxious and on edge, as if we’re just waiting for someone to say something wrong. We’ve become so hyper-aware of potential offenses that we start identifying hostility where there’s merely ignorance or an awkward attempt to connect.
At some point, we really need to relax. We should give each other the benefit of the doubt. It’s possible someone hasn’t read every single one of those exhaustive “what-not-to-say” lists circulating online.
As parents, we’re bombarded with so much information—parenting blogs, websites, and media platforms all share opinions and experiences to foster understanding. Yet, this abundance can also lead people to vent and complain, seeking out cruelty where there may be none. The wealth of knowledge supports us but can also amplify our insecurities and make public shaming all too easy, even if done indirectly.
Every day, I question my parenting choices. It’s tough, messy work, and yes, I’m no stranger to unsolicited advice that misses the mark. While I support honest discussions and awareness, I wonder if we’ve conditioned ourselves to see everything as an attack. In a world of competitive parenting, we often forget we’re all on the same team, doing our best with the tools we have.
Sure, there are truly insensitive people out there, but more often than not, I believe that most folks are kind-hearted, despite our occasional slip-ups. Perhaps we’d all feel a little more at ease as parents—and as people—if we eased up, assumed good intentions, and moved forward. Not every comment is a personal affront or a cruel jab, and we might just want to reserve our outrage for the real injustices out there.
Instead of focusing on what we shouldn’t say, let’s highlight what we can say: “You’re doing great!” or “How can I help?” or “I know this can be tough.”
So, what was on my list of things not to say? You’ll have to look elsewhere for that. I’m not writing that list today. However, I can’t deny chuckling at the next “what not to say” headline I see pop up on my social media feed—because let’s be real, those lists can be downright hilarious.
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Summary
The author reflects on their previous “what-not-to-say” list to moms of boys and critiques the culture of highlighting insensitive comments. They argue that while awareness is important, we should refrain from jumping to conclusions about others’ intentions and focus on kindness and support instead.