Last year, comedian Jerry Seinfeld stirred controversy in an NBC interview with Brian Williams when he suggested that he might be on the autism spectrum. Seinfeld remarked, “I think, on a very drawn-out scale, I think I’m on the spectrum.” When Williams probed for details, Seinfeld explained, “You’re never paying attention to the right things. Basic social engagement is really a struggle. I’m very literal. When people talk to me, and they use expressions, sometimes I don’t know what they’re saying. But I don’t see it as dysfunctional; I just think of it as an alternate mindset.”
The autism community had an immediate response. Autism Speaks, an organization Seinfeld has supported, stated, “There are many people on the spectrum who can relate to Jerry’s heartfelt comments about his own experience.” Meanwhile, Autism Society President Scott Badesch expressed delight at Seinfeld’s openness, noting that he could exemplify the beauty and intelligence found in many individuals with Autism Spectrum Disorder.
However, the backlash on social media was equally swift, with many questioning Seinfeld’s right to self-diagnose. One father of a child with autism declared, “My son has autism; Jerry Seinfeld does not.” Other parents voiced their frustrations on Twitter, underscoring the stark realities of autism, as Kim Rossi Stagliano noted, “THIS is autism. My 3 girls @JerrySeinfeld: 1 does not speak, 1 communicates in single words, and 1 is paralyzed by anxiety.”
Just two weeks later, Seinfeld clarified his remarks in an interview with Access Hollywood, stating, “I don’t have autism. I’m not on the spectrum. I just was watching this play about it and thought, ‘Why am I relating to it?’ I related to it on some level. That’s all I was saying.” This retreat felt disheartening, especially considering if he was connecting with the protagonist in The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time, a narrative about a child with autism navigating a neurotypical society.
I had the opportunity to see that play and, while I appreciated both it and the YA novel it was based on, I found myself unable to relate to the main character’s struggles. My understanding stemmed not from personal experience on the spectrum, but from my former husband, who was diagnosed with Asperger’s in 2011, during a time when we were still together.
Having spent nearly two decades married to someone who was later identified as having high-functioning autism, I viewed life through a neurotypical lens, described by autism expert Dr. Richard Perry as having a “theory of mind.” This ability allows me to empathize and understand others’ emotions on a neurobiological level, which is often difficult for those on the spectrum.
A test I took around the time of my ex’s diagnosis revealed a score of 68 out of 80 in empathy, while my former partner scored a mere 8. This stark contrast clarified many of the misunderstandings and conflicts we faced throughout our relationship. The diagnosis was a relief; we had suspected something was different and had even engaged in self-diagnosis after reading about autism.
Despite the professional diagnosis, many friends and family members were skeptical. They questioned how a man nearing 50 and a novelist—whose career relies on understanding emotions and character—could remain unaware of his condition. The truth is, we did know but didn’t have the terminology to articulate it until later.
Dr. Perry explained that public perceptions of Asperger’s can be distorted by media portrayals, which often focus on extreme cases. These misconceptions become problematic, especially considering the recent removal of Asperger’s from the DSM-V, which has implications for clinical utility. “If you tell me you have an ulcer, that means something to me,” he noted. “The same goes for Asperger’s; it provides clarity in understanding.”
Moreover, individuals like my ex, who grew up during a time when Asperger’s diagnoses were rare, often lack proper labels for their experiences. We relied on anecdotes instead. One such memory occurred in a crowded Milan train station when I had asked him to wait while I fetched water. Upon my return, he was nowhere to be found, completely absorbed in a guidebook, oblivious to our separation for hours.
There were also moments that highlighted his quirks, like announcing five minutes into a dinner party that he was heading to the gym. Throughout our life together, his intense interests, such as memorizing weapon specifications, were endearing to me at first. Yet, I later recognized them as part of a broader pattern associated with the spectrum.
Ultimately, the moment that solidified my realization of our fundamental mismatch was when I called him from a children’s hospital, exhausted and emotionally drained after days beside our ailing son. I begged him to come help me, but he arrived eleven hours later, having stopped for drinks with coworkers. The disconnect between our emotional responses highlighted our differences; he viewed my distress as illogical while I felt his emotional absence profoundly.
This disparity—my capacity to feel his pain versus his inability to grasp mine—left me feeling isolated. Our contrasting views on life became painfully clear, underscoring the emotional chasm between us.
Seinfeld’s comments brought back a flood of these memories, as did his quick retreat from the notion of being on the spectrum. Asperger’s, once stigmatized, has gained a certain cachet in the tech world, yet it still carries weight in broader society. If Seinfeld had chosen to embrace his suspicions, he could have contributed to a greater understanding of the spectrum.
Though we may never know the thoughts that occupy Seinfeld’s brilliant mind, his passion for collecting Porsches—a rumored 46 of them—hints at a quintessential Aspergian trait I recognize. There’s nothing inherently wrong with that, but it certainly aligns with behaviors I understand intimately.
In speaking about the divergent perspectives I shared with my ex, I often remind people that our experiences are valid even if they seem different. The nuances of living on different spectrums can be profound. For further insights into the world of home insemination and related topics, check out this post and this resource on IUI procedures. Additionally, for those interested in practical solutions, visit Cryobaby for reliable home insemination kits.
Summary:
This article explores the contrasting perceptions of autism and the personal experiences of the author, whose former husband was diagnosed with Asperger’s. It discusses Jerry Seinfeld’s controversial comments about being on the autism spectrum and the backlash he faced, while also reflecting on the complexities of understanding autism in society. The narrative underscores the emotional disconnect experienced in relationships affected by autism and highlights the importance of awareness and understanding.