Last week, while shopping for a ceiling fan for my nursery, I encountered a sales associate named Jake. He confidently assured me that the fan would arrive within eight weeks, glancing at my lack of a baby bump with optimism that I had plenty of time. I chuckled and explained, “Actually, the baby is coming in eight weeks!” His confusion was palpable, but I opted not to delve into my medical history. Instead, I smiled, letting him believe I was seven months along.
As I pen this, I am excitedly anticipating the arrival of my child in just two months, thanks to a gestational surrogate. This journey, which began four years ago, has been filled with emotional highs and lows, as well as financial challenges. It’s a miracle that we have reached this point, but I remain superstitious and hesitant to declare “it worked” until our baby is safely in my arms. I often feel a pang of discomfort when I see other women post their ultrasound images on social media; I just don’t relate to that experience yet.
Our journey began at a high-risk pregnancy specialist who, after reviewing my “complicated” medical history, bluntly informed me that carrying a baby wasn’t safe for me. “Do you have anyone who can be your surrogate?” he asked. It was a thought that had never crossed my mind until that moment. I knew IVF was my only path to motherhood, but the idea of not carrying my own child was completely foreign to me.
Over the years, we saved money and secured loans. I underwent two rounds of IVF to freeze embryos and two fresh cycles once we found our surrogate. If you’re unfamiliar with these terms, don’t worry; I was too before diving into this whirlwind.
We explored various options for surrogacy, including international routes in countries like India and Ukraine. Then, in January 2013, I received a text from a friend in Oregon about a nurse who was interested in being my surrogate. This incredible woman had experienced easy pregnancies herself and wanted to help someone like me.
Fast forward a year and a half, and she was finally pregnant with our child after overcoming two unsuccessful transfer attempts. It was a strange feeling, at times amusing, to see people assume I was pregnant. Yet, there’s a sense of loneliness too. I catch the eyes of other expectant mothers in stores, wanting to share a bond that they can’t see.
Now, as I approach the finish line of this journey, I often find myself browsing parenting websites and magazines, only to find scant mention of women like me—those not physically pregnant. Sure, there might be an article buried deep within a website about surrogacy or adoption, but the main content focuses on the aches and pains of pregnancy. I don’t envy those women or my brave surrogate who is experiencing the physical discomfort that comes with pregnancy. I appreciate being able to continue my daily routine without interruption, yet I find myself longing to connect with the experience of feeling those little kicks and movements.
The disconnect can be disheartening. I remember attending a baby care class where the pediatrician mistakenly approached a very pregnant woman next to me instead of me. My husband and I had to correct her, which was incredibly awkward. However, I did meet another woman in the class who, like me, wasn’t expecting physically but was also utilizing a surrogate. We bonded over our shared experiences.
Ultimately, I remind myself to be thankful for this opportunity. There are countless women who have faced far more challenging journeys through IVF, miscarriages, or struggles with infertility. My situation is a miracle, and I focus on the joy that’s about to come. I eagerly await holding my baby and experiencing that deep connection.
Update: Our baby girl arrived three weeks ago and is thriving! I can finally feel the connection I yearned for. I’m now a mom, navigating the joys and challenges alongside other new mothers. I’m delighted to share my story and offer support to others experiencing fertility struggles. After holding my breath for what felt like four years, I can finally exhale—and embrace my post-baby body!
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Summary:
The journey to motherhood via surrogacy is filled with emotional and financial challenges. While navigating the complexities of IVF and finding the right surrogate, the author reflects on the feelings of connection and isolation experienced throughout the process. Despite these challenges, she ultimately finds joy and gratitude in welcoming her baby girl, feeling a deep sense of connection as she embraces her new role as a mom.