Dear Precious Offspring,
By now, you’ve likely realized that your mother is not exactly a morning enthusiast. For your own well-being, I’ve compiled a list of activities you should steer clear of until I’ve had my magical coffee (the divine brew that transforms me from a zombie into a functioning human). If you choose to ignore this list, remember: I can’t guarantee your safety. Consider yourselves warned!
- Absolutely No Stomping: Please refrain from charging up and down the stairs like a herd of rampaging elephants. I’m convinced that not even a pack of woolly mammoths could create the kind of ruckus you do first thing in the morning.
- No Breakfast Inquiries: You are no longer my tiny, helpless toddlers. I relinquish my breakfast duties until I’ve had my caffeine fix. I fed you dinner just hours ago—find your own breakfast! Cold pizza and mayonnaise sandwiches are perfectly acceptable if cereal is out of stock.
- Save Your Questions: Do NOT bombard me with inquiries about sleepovers, allowances, or any other pressing matters. The answer will invariably be “NO!” Even random trivia questions about math or history will be met with a resounding “NO!” It’s best to keep questions on hold until I’m awake enough to handle them.
- Keep the TV Off: I simply cannot endure the sounds of cartoons before my first cup of joe. Save Sponge Bob for later, when I am more inclined to appreciate (or at least tolerate) your entertainment choices.
- No Annoying Sounds: Whistling, humming, or any form of noise that could be classified as “irritating” is strictly forbidden. Please refrain from excessive chewing or singing those catchy Disney tunes that tend to get stuck in my head—trust me, you don’t want to see me lose it over that!
- Don’t Share Grievances: Whether real or imagined, I do not want to hear about any sibling disputes. Did your brother call you names? Did he steal your food? Save it for later, or better yet, let’s just lock him away until I’m caffeinated enough to handle the fallout.
- No Friends Allowed: I understand that weekends may invite your friends over, but I cannot allow outsiders to witness my pre-coffee transformation. Also, with friends around, the potential for annoying noises increases exponentially, and I refuse to take responsibility for any chaos that ensues.
- Don’t Hover: Please, for the love of all that is caffeinated, do not sneak up behind me to check how low my coffee mug is. This will only aggravate me and extend your wait for my morning revival.
But fear not, my beloved children; I will return to my usual patient and cheerful self after just one cup (or two, if the night was particularly chaotic). Just grant me a few peaceful moments to gather my thoughts and energy for the day ahead. Your cooperation is greatly appreciated!
Warm regards,
Your Uncaffeinated Yet Loving Mother
P.S. For more info on parenting and home insemination, check out this article on intracervicalinsemination.com. Also, if you’re interested in boosting fertility, makeamom.com has some great resources. And for a comprehensive guide on IVF, visit NHS.