Ah, the six-week postpartum checkup. You know what that means? Time to get intimate again! Or, as I like to say, it’s time to make sweet love to my loving partner. Not that I’m against intimacy, but right now, I’m running on empty—exhausted, hormonal, dealing with breastfeeding, and feeling a bit achy down there. Plus, let’s be real: I might just fall asleep in the middle of a Metallica concert! So, you’re telling me I should sacrifice precious sleep for some bedroom action? And let’s not forget the risk of getting pregnant again. Been there, done that.
Here’s how my six-week checkup went down:
OB: So, what’s your birth control plan?
ME: Our baby.
OB: (blank stare)
ME: Seriously, he’s always right in the middle, making it impossible for my husband and me to get cozy.
OB: What about when your little one is sleeping elsewhere?
ME: (blank stare)
OB: Have you considered what you might want to use then?
ME: Isn’t there a magic pill that can temporarily render me infertile?
OB: Yes, it’s called the pill.
ME: Nah, forget that! I don’t want to remember to take a pill every day. I’m looking for something simpler that will just throw my system into chaos for a while.
OB: Well, there’s no “Kaput pill.”
ME: Really? That’s disappointing. What about a vasectomy?
(At this point, I’m convinced my doctor thinks I shouldn’t have any more kids.)
ME: I’m not sure; that feels so permanent. My husband is 100% on board, but I’m only about 98%. And yes, I know I’m 40 (stop judging me!), but did you not see that woman who had a baby at 62? I’m not ready to close that chapter just yet.
After some back-and-forth about my options, here’s why I think a baby as a birth control method wins over anything else out there:
- The IUD. Suddenly, all my mom friends are raving about IUDs. Sure, they seem convenient—until I hear about those little strings. What? Those strings are supposed to hang out of my cervix? I can just imagine the awkwardness of checking for them. It’s like accidentally putting in a second tampon because you forgot about the first. Ugh! No thanks.
- Condoms. First off, they’re pricey! I mean, who knew they cost an arm and a leg? And back in college, you could find buckets of them everywhere (unless you went to that one religious school). Paying for condoms now feels like I’m, well, paying for sex—which is hysterical because these days you’d practically have to pay me for intimacy! And don’t get me started on the struggle of unrolling one!
- Female condoms. Ever met someone who uses these? Nope, me neither! I did some research, though, and they’re 95% effective. Great! So, if you get intimate 20 times, there’s a good chance you’ll end up pregnant. Plus, you have to say, “I use a female condom” which sounds a bit awkward, doesn’t it?
- Diaphragm. Seriously, who even uses these anymore? I feel like they belong to a bygone era. And can you imagine carrying it around? Imagine dropping it in front of the cashier at Target and explaining, “No, it’s not a retainer; it’s a diaphragm.” Awkward!
- Cervical Cap. I had no clue what this was, but it turns out it looks like a sailor’s hat. Not happening! I refuse to put anything resembling a boat accessory in there. Unless it’s Fleet Week, then maybe!
- The Sponge. Gross! Why on Earth would I want my birth control to be named after a cleaning product? Plus, it’s only 80% effective? That’s like playing Russian roulette with my reproductive system. No thanks—I’d rather not deal with a tiny screaming human if I can help it!
In conclusion, having a baby crash the party is a far better birth control method for me than any of the options out there. If you want to read more on this topic, check out this article that dives into home insemination techniques.
Summary:
Choosing a method of birth control after having a baby can feel overwhelming, with options like IUDs, condoms, and more often coming with their own set of complications. In the end, some parents find that having their little one around serves as a natural barrier to intimacy, which might just be the best option of all—at least for now.