In the early days of our romance, my partner and I would snuggle up in the cozy stillness of the night, completely wrapped up in each other’s warmth. Little did I know, there would come a day when I’d contemplate giving him a swift jab in the ribs for daring to encroach on my side of the bed.
Once upon a time, we were young and passionately in love, happily sharing a tiny bed while traveling. Fast forward to now, and our grand King-sized mattress feels woefully inadequate for two restless adults.
Recently, while my partner was away on a work trip, I found myself knee-deep in chaotic days filled with our energetic little ones. But when night fell, oh, those glorious, quiet nights! I would enter a serene room, with 40 square feet of mattress all to myself. I’d turn on my trusty sound machine, crawl into my neatly made bed, and use his pillows to create a snug, Kim-shaped cocoon. I drifted off into blissful slumber, waking up only when the alarm beckoned me in the morning. Pure bliss!
But then he returned.
I woke first to the bed bouncing as he made his way back in. He slithered over to my side, wrapping his arm around my waist. And then came the snoring. Goodness, how did I manage to resist the urge to sock him right then? After a little shove, he rolled over, and I tried to doze off again.
Not long after, I woke up again—yanked from my dreams as he unconsciously pulled me in for some late-night spooning. Trapped in his embrace, I attempted to suppress my irritation. Then came the breathing. Sweet mother of all that is holy, the breathing! It’s like he has a personal vendetta against quietude while he sleeps. If I hadn’t lost all six of the pillows to him, I might have stuffed one right into his mouth!
No soothing sound machine can wipe away the annoyance of being jolted awake repeatedly. Yes, I should be grateful for a loving husband wanting to be close, but this is pushing it! I love you, darling, but GET OFF ME, I’M TRYING TO SLEEP.
Now, I finally understand why some classic TV couples had separate beds. Brilliant! I’d take it one step further: I’m considering suggesting we sell our luxurious bed and invest in three twin beds instead. I’ll set mine up with a plush mattress pad, light covers, and my sound machine within reach. He can have a firm mattress, cozy flannel sheets, and his heavy comforter. The third bed? Well, that’ll be our designated “conjugal visits” bed. Problem solved!
We’ll still share a room and create opportunities for some cheeky Wink-Wink Time, but I can finally avoid the nightly assaults on my sanity. Plus, he won’t have to deal with a grumpy partner contemplating his disappearance after another 4 am surprise attack.
I genuinely believe this approach will not only keep our marriage thriving but could also spark a global trend. Imagine wedding registries featuring the Twin Bed Trifecta as a standard item! Pillow Pets could introduce a His, Hers, and Winky-Winky anniversary collection. Divorce rates could plummet! All because I couldn’t tolerate one more night of my darling husband’s snoring and breathy, grabby affection at 2 am.
So, in the future, when marriages last longer and a thriving industry emerges around the Three Bed Solution, you can thank my husband. He’ll be in the unmade bed by the window, two headboards away from me.
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