As a mom, I’m on a mission to make sure all teens understand that sex can lead to babies—an outcome that ranks right up there with STDs and regrets as one of the worst surprises from a hot date. That’s why I’ve come up with a new initiative called “Teaching Teens That Babies Are Just Terrible,” or TTBJT for short. Conveniently, it has “BJ” in the middle—which, by the way, doesn’t lead to babies—but let’s not go down that road either. Still brainstorming a better title for my cause!
I’m generally not one to worry about when or where babies come from, unless it’s my own, of course. I have very strong feelings about abandoned babies munching on Ring Pops at six months old. Seriously, that’s not safe! Give them Pixy Sticks instead. This is just one of the many nuggets of wisdom I could share with teens.
Once upon a time, I was a teenager who had sex during a phase I can only describe as “too naive to realize that sex should feel good emotionally and physically, but too eager to find love to make smart decisions.” I was hormonal and quite “twitterpated”—the Disney way of saying “horny.” There, I said it! Now we’re all a bit uncomfortable, so let’s toss in “moist” and “panties” just for extra fun. Not to mention that one of the joys of pregnancy is the delightful nausea—take notes, teens!
The truth is, babies felt like a distant reality back when I was in high school. To teach us about the responsibilities of parenthood, my school had us care for a decorated egg (complete with yarn hair!). Partnering with a boy who inevitably smashed it on the sidewalk was fun for him, but it taught me one thing: girls should definitely think twice before having babies with boys. Or maybe we were given a sack of flour as a “baby.” Either way, it was a nice attempt, but we all know flour isn’t a substitute for a real infant. Good try, public school!
How about a more realistic baby simulation? Picture a 7-pound Water Snake Wigglies toy with a slow leak. Attach a grapefruit to a Slinky Jr. and secure it to the top of the Water Snake with tape. Voila! You’ve got a roly-poly head just like a newborn! Don’t forget to add a malfunctioning smoke detector in a pillow—because you’ll definitely want to “sleep when the baby sleeps.”
Those flour sacks have been the go-to for years. I can only assume my own mother’s failed flour-baby project influenced her decision to have my siblings almost two decades after me. Thanks to her foresight, when my little sister was just 12, I gifted her a preemie niece, and now she might just decide to become a nun to dodge any baby-making scenarios. After all, nothing is scarier than a real baby—trust me, not even a microscope image of herpes or your mom asking you to demonstrate how to put a condom on a cucumber.
Here’s the kicker: what really keeps teens from having babies? The reality of babies themselves! For many summers, I invited my siblings to spend time with me and my four delightful children (all part of my TTBJT plan). My children have effectively kept my siblings off the teen-parenting path for the past decade simply by being themselves. Think diaper blowouts, projectile vomit, and endless tantrums—my siblings quickly realized they weren’t quite ready to be parents.
If you don’t have little ones or teens at home, don’t worry! You can still join this movement. The mall is a perfect place to engage some teens. Ask a group if they’d change your overgrown toddler’s diaper while explaining that he has flushing anxiety. Or join a mommy-and-me class and see if any of the parents would like to leave their little ones with your moody 14-year-old for a song or two. Guaranteed celibacy!
And if you want to get creative, consider these scenarios: have your teen play games with “poo-throwing monkeys,” or make them carry a puppy around until it relieves itself on them. You could even serve Cocoa Puffs laced with a small amount of real feces and inform them that every parent inadvertently consumes baby crap. Or how about waking them up every hour at night to undress and redress a cat? The possibilities are endless!
In short, find a way to turn your parenting experiences into a wild adventure for your teens. It’s never too late to show them that while babies can be a blessing, they definitely shouldn’t show up between algebra and U.S. history exams.