Remember those childhood moments when a friend’s parent faced a crisis, and our mothers sprang into action? I often found myself puzzled but knew when Mom was busy whipping up an extra casserole in that special dish with the snap-on lid. It could have been anything from an illness to a tragic event. I would wait in the car, sometimes never knowing what had happened, just waiting for her to return with the empty dish.
Now, it’s our turn. Our friends are facing serious challenges—illness, loss, or other heartbreaking situations that leave us speechless. When I was diagnosed with breast cancer at 40, I felt that jarring shift from the comfort of middle age to being the youngest patient in the oncology center. “Oh, you’re so young to be here!” a nurse exclaimed as she began my chemotherapy. I wanted to roll my eyes and tell her to save the pity.
Then there was my well-meaning neighbor who inundated me with alternative remedies. “You really should try Qiyong, and don’t forget about Changquan!” she insisted, as if I needed more pressure. I eventually told her, “I don’t do things I can’t pronounce,” and stopped taking her calls. A wise friend from Alcoholics Anonymous told me that words like “should” and “need” can breed guilt. “Forget ‘should,’” she said. I adopted that as my mantra.
Now, a friend across the country is facing her own cancer battle. In addition to sharing my mantra about guilt-inducing words, I reflect on what truly helped me and what frustrated me during my journey. Here are some suggestions on how you can effectively support a friend dealing with cancer.
1. Avoid the Grim Reaper Talk
Your friend is not at death’s door. When my sister-in-law suggested I prepare for the end by writing a gratitude journal, I snapped, “I’m not dead yet!” After that, I avoided those conversations until I was back on my feet, with my hair grown back and a new outlook on life.
2. Send Cards and Notes
There’s something special about receiving real mail. Handwritten notes—funny, heartfelt, or silly—are delightful. Skip the sympathy cards; they can be a bit too heavy. Just write to let her know you’re thinking of her, that cancer is a bummer, and that she’s loved. And please, don’t mention divine plans; she’s likely not feeling that connection right now.
3. Don’t Ask, Just Act
Your friend might not know what she needs, so step up and take action. Offer to drive her kids to school or activities, or whip up a meal—preferably in a disposable dish so she doesn’t have to return anything. A group of women once organized a meal train for me, delivering food four times a week for six months. Their kindness still brings tears to my eyes.
4. Care Packages Are a Hit
Think back to the care packages you received in college or sent to your kids at camp. Tasty treats, fun socks, trashy novels, or even something silly like a whoopee cushion can lift her spirits during tough times. When I was going through treatment, a thoughtful builder gifted me a stylish hat, which remains one of the kindest gestures I received.
5. Don’t Disappear
It’s okay not to know what to do—few people do in these situations. But showing up, calling, and checking in means the world. One acquaintance would call before my chemo sessions, making jokes to lighten the mood. “You’ve got another date with Kimo? He’s a tough one!” Her humor brightened my darkest days.
Cancer is a cruel reality, but it’s a challenge we can face together with strength and support. If you know someone navigating this difficult journey, I hope these tips help you figure out how to be there for them.
As for me, I’m off to find a coconut bra and hula skirt for my friend. Who knows? It might just make her chemo appointments a little more fun and give the nurses something to chuckle about!
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In summary, supporting a friend with cancer requires empathy, action, and a touch of humor. Your presence and thoughtful gestures can make a significant difference.