“I can’t believe I gave my shorts to a nerd.”
~ Inspired by classic 80s cinema
Note: I will not be using the word ‘shorts’ in this essay because let’s keep it classy.
On average, a woman is said to have 21 pairs of underwear. I stumbled across this statistic somewhere online, and while we all know the internet is filled with facts, I find that hard to believe. If the average woman resembles me (late 30s, a penchant for chocolate chip cookies, and a wardrobe that spans sizes 6 to 16), she likely has about 10 practical pairs of underwear and an astounding 497 relics of her past phases, never to see the light of day again.
You can learn a lot about a woman by taking a peek into her underwear drawer. Trust me, I can’t divulge my sources (thanks to a certain legal agreement), but I think it’s universally true.
Curious? Let’s explore the journey of a mom’s love life, as revealed through her underwear drawer.
Phase 1: The Dating Scene
Underwear Status: Thong-tastic
Theme Song: “She had dumps like a truck truck truck, thighs like what what what…”
When you spot him at a swanky restaurant, your gaze inevitably lands on his hands—long fingers, smooth palms, perfectly manicured nails. Rumors about big hands flit through your mind. He reaches for a handshake, you lean in for a hug, and suddenly your thong rides up. You hope he appreciates the effort you put into your choice of undergarments. He’s cute—think Neil Patrick Harris but with a real interest in you.
A few weeks later, when he’s boldly unclasping your bra, you realize that some rumors have a kernel of truth!
Phase 2: The Wedding Night
Underwear Status: Corset Conundrum
Theme Song: “It’s a nice day for a white wedding…”
Your feet ache, and you’re laden with bobby pins. All you desire is to collapse in comfy sweatpants on your luxurious hotel bed. You close the bathroom door, face the harsh light, and see a drowned rat in the mirror. Meanwhile, your new husband is devouring the third tier of your wedding cake.
That intricate corset lingerie that looked stunning in the catalog? Now it feels like a medieval torture device. “Will you be coming out soon?” he calls, and you fantasize about tossing the fancy lingerie in the trash. You emerge in a cozy robe instead.
“Hello, gorgeous wife,” he says, and at that moment, who needs lingerie when cake is on the table?
Phase 3: The Pregnancy Phase
Underwear Status: Bump-Friendly Knickers
Theme Song: “You’re the woman I love, and I love what it’s doing to you…”
You’re feeling duped. All those friends raving about pregnancy? They clearly weren’t being honest. Sex becomes an elaborate choreography of awkward positions, and you sketch out a plan at the kitchen table. “I’ll lay here, you take off my clothes, and then I need…well, a lot of time to adjust.”
And if you’re horrified by what you see, remember—you did this TO ME!
Phase 4: The Postpartum Stage
Underwear Status: Delightfully Meshy
Theme Song: “And it burns, burns, burns, the ring of fire…”
You’re wearing gauzy underwear, and somehow, you love it! But please, maintain your distance for the next few weeks. You’ve got a squirty bottle for your sensitive areas that you need to track down.
Phase 5: The MILF Era
Underwear Status: Mama’s Back in the Game
Theme Song: “She’s a bad mama jama…”
Hello, old friend! You’re feeling fabulous in those leopard-print bikinis. You’ve rediscovered your pizzazz, and after a few drinks at a local bar, you and your husband are ready for fun. But wait—two pink lines on a pregnancy test send you back a phase. Time to juggle a toddler, too.
Phase 6: Smoke and Mirrors
Underwear Status: Spanx Struggle
Theme Song: “She’s a brick HOUUUUUSSSSE…”
Remember the days when you could just throw on a dress and a pair of bikini underwear? Now, it’s shapewear and small children with endless demands. You sometimes skip outings just to avoid wrestling with those constricting garments. And when you try to come to bed in them, your husband’s horrified face says it all.
Sometimes, you think of purging that drawer of old underwear entirely. Other times, you reminisce amidst the chaos. Ah, the memories—thongs, weddings, mesh, and pizzazz. Sweet, sweet lycra and lace.
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Summary:
A mom’s journey through various stages of her love life can be humorously traced through the contents of her underwear drawer. From the excitement of dating in thongs to the challenges of pregnancy and postpartum, each phase reflects a unique experience filled with humor and nostalgia.