In today’s fast-paced world, many parents are finding it increasingly necessary to delegate some of the more challenging aspects of raising children. I recently stumbled across the idea that you can hire professionals for tasks like potty training or breaking the thumb-sucking habit. This sparked a thought: if I could outsource certain parenting duties, which ones would I choose? Here’s my personal top eight:
- Tying Shoelaces: Don’t let the “bunny ears” method fool you; this task is trickier than it looks. Just when you think your child has mastered it, they go and create a tangled mess for the umpteenth time. I even bought one of those practice boards with a shoe and real laces—what was I thinking? Unless it comes with a cardboard mom smiling encouragingly, it’s not going to cut it. And forget trying to convince them that Velcro sneakers are cool. By middle school, they’ll see right through that ruse.
- Teaching Bike Riding: Who knew that getting a 5-year-old to ride a bike would require peak physical fitness? I’m a seasoned runner, but nothing prepared me for the workout of supporting a 40-pound child and a 25-pound bike while shouting words of encouragement over their screams of “I CAN’T DO IT!” Nowadays, when someone brags about completing a triathlon, I just nod and say, “That’s cute; I taught two kids to ride bikes.”
- Sex Education: It seems that in many cases, the bus ride from school handles this job for us. My fourth grader came home recently, proudly stating she’d learned all about it from her friends. While I was initially horrified, I realized, “Well, at least I can check that off my list!” A quick review revealed they got most of it right—except for the belly button part, which is rarely involved unless you’ve had a few too many drinks. Thanks, Tommy from down the block!
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Understanding Time: With the prevalence of digital clocks and smartphones, I’m starting to wonder if teaching kids to read an analog clock is even necessary. The process in our house went something like this:
Kid: “So, is it 10:09?”
Me: “Nope, it’s 10:45—or quarter till 11.”
Kid: “Wait, isn’t a quarter worth 25 cents?”
Me: “Yes, but here it means 15 minutes. Think of it like a pizza…”
Kid: “Can we have pizza for dinner?” - Waiting in Line: Especially those long lines at amusement parks. It’s even worse when the goal is to get an autograph from someone dressed as a cartoon character. Am I the only one who realizes that this grown-up in a costume has done nothing remarkable other than don a Disney outfit? I wish there were body doubles to stand in line while parents enjoy a drink at Mickey’s La Cava del Tequila.
- Using a Steak Knife: Because, you know, they’re knives that cut through steak. What could possibly go wrong? I’m starting to think it might be safer to teach my kids to just pick up the steak and eat it like Fred Flintstone. Just kidding. (Sort of.)
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Math Facts Review: I feel like I’ve been revisiting math facts for ages, and I only have two kids! A typical session goes something like this:
Me: “Okay, what’s 9 x 4?”
Kid: “48?”
Me: “Close! It’s 36. Let’s keep going…” And just when they start to get it, I realize they need to learn them in reverse order.
Me: “What’s 4 x 9?”
Kid: “48?”
Me: “Yes! For tonight, you get 48.” - Swimming Lessons: Trying to teach my kids to swim felt like a scene from a reality dance show: “Bend your arms! Straighten your legs! Now move everything together while holding your breath!” Oh, wait, you can’t hear me because your head is underwater!
And the one duty I will certainly outsource when the time comes:
- Driving Lessons: Thankfully, there are Drivers Ed classes, but what about the “permit” phase? I’m not sure I want to be the one in the passenger seat while my kid, who still says “totes adorbs” and watches Disney Channel, operates a 3,000-pound vehicle. I’ll gladly hand this responsibility over to my spouse. Just text me some photos when you learn to merge onto the highway during rush hour. But not while driving, please!
At the end of the day, every milestone our children achieve is a source of pride, and I’m grateful for the role I’ve played in their journeys. Still, if I could outsource the backaches, blistered hands, and chronic headaches that come with parenting, I would. Well, except for the wine habit—I’ll keep that.
For more parenting insights, be sure to check out our other blog post on home insemination. And if you’re looking for authoritative information on the subject, don’t miss Cryobaby’s home insemination kit. For anyone considering pregnancy, I highly recommend this excellent resource on fertility preservation.
Summary:
Parenting can be overwhelming, and sometimes it’s tempting to outsource certain duties like teaching kids to ride bikes or swim. While each task presents its challenges, ultimately, the joy of witnessing our children grow and learn makes it all worthwhile.