Did you ever dream of being the ultimate eco-friendly mom? I did… but the universe had a different script for me.
As a yoga instructor and vegetarian, I pride myself on maintaining my physical and mental health (okay, maybe I indulge in a little ice cream and wine now and then). I’m diligent about self-care and I even have a fantastic therapist. Plus, I recycle like it’s going out of style.
So, when I decided to welcome my first child into the world, I had a clear vision of how it would unfold. I enrolled in Bradley Method classes, consumed two eggs daily, and chowed down on Greek yogurt. I diligently practiced Kegels, squats, and prenatal yoga. I even olive-oiled my perineum for a month leading up to delivery. I was determined to achieve a NATURAL childbirth. I envisioned myself glowing from breastfeeding bliss, cradling my little bundle of joy swathed in cloth diapers – all while wearing a sling.
And then, the chaos began.
My labor kicked off at 2:00 AM, with contractions lasting 45-50 seconds and occurring every five minutes right from the get-go. I showered, strolled around the neighborhood to speed things along, and munched on granola bars and honey straws. Twelve grueling hours later, my contractions showed no signs of progress. Finally, I headed to the hospital, where I attempted to roll around on my birthing ball and even tried taking a shower, despite the cold water (thanks, universe). I practiced my breathing, visualized calmness, and let my husband massage my back, even as I felt like I might just leap off the hospital roof. After another six hours, I had only dilated two more centimeters.
When my doctor informed me I could be in for many more hours of labor, I waved the white flag and begged for an epidural. I convinced my hardworking partner that I just couldn’t endure any longer. Hours later, after stalling my little guy’s heartbeat with each push, I found myself prepped for an emergency c-section.
Surprisingly, I took this blow to my ego rather well (maybe it was the medication – I mean, it was pretty fabulous). In the recovery room, my son latched on right away, and I thought, “This is the start of a beautiful breastfeeding journey.” But then he got hungrier. Over the next few weeks, my milk supply barely increased. I devoured bowls of oatmeal and drank herbal teas aimed at boosting my supply. I called a lactation consultant while sobbing, pleading for assistance. After each nursing session (which lasted a whopping 45 minutes), I pumped for 40 minutes, leaving me with only 15 to 20 minutes to regroup before the next feeding. My son was losing weight rapidly, and out of desperation, I started supplementing. I spiraled into postpartum depression and even contemplated suicide. I resorted to taking Prozac, despite my earlier promises to myself that I would never go that route after years of therapy and holistic education. That marked the end of my breastfeeding journey with my son.
His relentless caveman-like grunting made it impossible to sleep in the same room with him, let alone share a bed. I had packed bags of cloth diapers, ready to dive right into eco-friendly parenting. But after a few nights of dealing with pee-soaked swaddles and crib sheets, that plan also went out the window. All of my dreams for motherhood shattered. I felt like I had failed in every single aspect I had envisioned.
I mourned these losses intensely. I cried so much that I felt embarrassed to be around my family. I was a complete wreck. My husband was understandably worried about my emotional state and my apparent detachment from our shared adventure.
But here’s the twist: my son was thriving! Wasn’t he supposed to be a malnourished, colicky mess? Instead, he was a chubby, happy little guy who slept well and surpassed his developmental milestones. I had a healthy, joyful child, and isn’t that what really matters? It took me far too long to realize that.
For anyone navigating the ups and downs of parenthood, you might find this post on intra-cervical insemination interesting and informative. Additionally, if you’re exploring options for home insemination, Make a Mom offers excellent resources. And for a deeper understanding of the process, check out the Cleveland Clinic’s page on intrauterine insemination.