- About five minutes before entering his room, gather your mental strength for the challenge ahead.
- One minute to go? Take a big gulp of your second cup of coffee and find your inner zen, bracing for the sights and smells that await you.
- As you walk through the house, step on a few stray Legos and stifle your scream so you don’t wake the entire neighborhood.
- Take a deep breath.
- Gently open the door and try not to look at the floor, which is now a mountain of wrinkled clothes you painstakingly folded yesterday.
- Shake your head at the delightful bouquet of old socks, Axe body spray, and, well, boy odor that greets you.
- Focus solely on your sweet boy’s face, as he might be employing the classic “Al Bundy hand move” right now.
- Give his arm a gentle nudge while saying, “Hey buddy, it’s time to rise and shine.” After all, home is the only place you can still use terms of endearment like “honey” or “sweetheart.”
- Try to interpret the series of grunts and growls that escape his lips.
- Repeat step eight, just to be sure he heard you.
- Time to pull off the covers; no more hiding from the day!
- Mutter under your breath about how you never imagined you’d be cursing a child for sleeping in.
- Repeat step eight.
- Warn him that if he doesn’t get up, he won’t have time to brush those pearly whites.
- Remember, he probably doesn’t care about brushing his teeth.
- Firmly tell him to get moving; you don’t have time to linger in his room.
- Head back to the kitchen, unload the dishwasher, and realize he’s still snoozing away.
- Go back to steps one through nine.
- Answer his 33rd question about why he “has to go” today.
- Remind him he’ll miss breakfast if he doesn’t hurry.
- Watch as he finally starts to emerge from under the covers.
- Smile, feeling a sense of accomplishment, and leave the room.
- After fifteen minutes of silence from his room, revisit steps one through four.
- Gag as you remember the smell that hits you as you approach his door.
- Find him sitting on the floor staring blankly into his closet, looking as lost as a pig at a wristwatch.
- Plead with him to just get dressed—who cares if it matches?
- Recall the days of Garanimals and Gymboree with a nostalgic sigh.
- Then come back to reality, surrounded by dirty socks, wrinkled shirts, and, if you’re lucky, half-brushed teeth.
- Give him one last warning.
- Leave the room, accepting that you’ll send him off no matter his breakfast attire.
- Prepare his breakfast.
- Call for him softly, trying not to wake the younger sibling still snoozing away.
- Repeat step 32.
- And again.
- Once more, just for good measure.
- Greet him as he finally stumbles into the kitchen.
- Ask him five times to sit down and eat, and to please use his fork.
- Suggest he might want to wear a shirt that doesn’t look like it’s been through a sandwich bag.
- Listen as he chats about the eighth-grade cheerleaders who keep giving him hugs.
- Internally curse those little hussies and their mothers.
- Grab the broom, realizing he’s still as messy an eater as he was in a booster seat.
- Remind him again about brushing his teeth.
- Pack his books into his backpack, wondering why on earth he has actual rocks in there—yes, rocks.
- Ask him if he has brushed his teeth yet.
- Put a lid on the juice he poured and left out.
- Clean up the spill he made.
- Ask him once more if he’s brushed his teeth.
- Quiz him on the two study guide questions he got wrong last night.
- Tell him you know he hasn’t brushed his teeth.
- Launch into a mini lecture about dental hygiene and tell him to head to the door.
- Remind him three more times to go to the door and what he needs to take with him.
- Grab two items you told him to take and head to the door.
- Look on the bright side—he still needs you for something!
- Pat yourself on the back. He’s on the porch! He’s finally leaving! The tween boy has exited the building!
For More Parenting Tips
For more parenting tips, check out this link, a great resource for navigating the challenges of raising kids. Also, if you’re curious about home insemination, Make A Mom provides expert advice on that topic. And for those interested in pregnancy resources, this UCSF resource is excellent for insights on treatments like IVF.
Summary
Waking a tween boy for school can be a chaotic adventure filled with challenges including grunts, messy rooms, and the delightful aroma of boyhood. With a blend of patience, humor, and strategic reminders, you can navigate the morning routine, ultimately celebrating the small victories that come with getting your child ready for the day.