I dedicate this to Mia and Sam.
Mia is Mia Thompson, who graciously allows me to share my musings on her website, and her “Confessions of a Parenting Pro” inspired this post’s title and the introspective journey that follows. Sam was my grandfather, the most meticulous person I ever knew. I often wonder if my kids—or perhaps even their kids—will one day think the same of me. Here’s a fun example of Sam’s way of thinking: when I was knee-deep in my third year of medical school in New York City, the phone rang at 4 a.m., waking me and my roommates. It was Sam checking in to make sure I was okay. Why? He had been listening to the radio and heard about a ferry accident, and he just wanted to confirm I wasn’t one of the missing passengers!
As our children were born, I started to understand Sam’s perspective; parenting is anxiety-inducing. There’s so much that can go awry! The world can be a scary place for kids—and for those of us keeping watch at home. Now that our children are grown and exploring their independence, I thought it was time to share some of my own “parenting confessions.” I asked my kids what they remember about my “safety” moments, and boy, did I open up a floodgate! In fact, they dubbed my parenting quirks “Rothman’s Rules of Order.”
The “5 Chip Limit” Rule:
I’ll admit, starting with this one might raise some eyebrows. But hey, tortilla chips aren’t the healthiest snack, right? At Mexican restaurants or during taco nights at home, each kid was limited to five chips before the meal. It was all about ensuring they saved room for burritos and fajitas! Looking back, I wonder if ten chips would have sufficed. Live and learn, right?
The “4-Minute Hot Tub” Rule:
Did you know that excessive heat exposure during male development can lower sperm counts? I was thinking about my future grandkids! While other parents allowed their boys to lounge in the hot tub, my sons had to pop in and out every four minutes to cool off their, um, “sensitive areas.” Even my daughter followed suit, although her anatomical risk was lower. Equality in parenting, I suppose!
The “No Lap Laptops” Rule:
This rule stems from the same worries as the hot tub rule. I had read about potential risks associated with prolonged laptop use on laps. Sure, laptops aren’t radar guns, but they can heat up. Safety first!
The “3-Foot Computer Monitor” Rule:
Remember when parents warned us not to sit too close to the TV? Well, today, computer monitors are the new TVs. I made sure our kids’ desks were set up so that the monitors were a full three feet away. Sure, they may have experienced some eye strain, but better that than potential eye damage, right?
The “Cell Phone Headset” Rule:
I only realized recently that my kids would exchange snarky emails every time I sent them an article about cell phones and brain cancer risks. They started to include their sister-in-law in these conversations, which made me feel like I was the only parent worried about these things. My motto? “No headset, no cell phones!”
The “Wires Over Wireless” Rule:
While everyone else was jumping on the wireless bandwagon, we opted for hardwiring our devices. In a world filled with invisible radiation from wireless signals, I felt it was the safer choice.
The “Volvo” Rule:
This one speaks for itself. Our kids drive old, reliable Volvos—complete with their quirks. If only we could have afforded those fancy SUVs!
The “8 Hours of Sleep or No Driving” Rule:
Lack of sleep can impair driving, just like being under the influence. If our kids didn’t get their eight hours, they weren’t driving. Sure, this meant their friends might have been behind the wheel instead, but at least we tried!
The “Leave Early for School” Rule:
Speeding is dangerous. Thus, if our kids didn’t leave at least 40 minutes before school started, they had to hitch a ride with us—much to their embarrassment.
The “Family Dinner” Rule:
Family dinners were non-negotiable, even during teenage years. This often meant our kids had to navigate awkward social situations with friends who already dined without them.
The “Weed Killer” Rule:
My wife has been incredibly patient with my more obsessive tendencies. However, my avoidance of weed killers due to their potential dangers has caused a bit of tension. Better safe than sorry!
The “2 ½ Hour Airport Rule”:
Even pre-9/11, we arrived at the airport two hours early. Now, it’s 2 ½ hours. Once, this saved us when a security breach caused a massive delay.
There are many more rules that brought laughter and eye-rolls from my kids. They sometimes grumbled about them, especially when their friends seemed to have more freedom. Yet, there were moments of outside validation; some friends even asked, “What would Harley do?”
As I reflect, I hope my kids still practice some of these rules—perhaps they’ll pass them down to their own children someday. I might even give them a call if I hear about something happening on that Staten Island Ferry.
For more parenting insights, check out our post on home insemination kits. You can also find expert advice on artificial insemination kits, and IVF for those on a journey to parenthood.
Summary:
In this humorous reflection, Harley Rothman shares his own parenting rules, affectionately dubbed “Rothman’s Rules of Order.” From limiting chip consumption to ensuring safe tech use, these quirky guidelines stem from a place of love and concern for his children’s well-being. The author recalls moments of laughter and light-hearted ridicule from his kids, illustrating the fine line between care and obsession.