No parent ever looks forward to hearing those dreaded words from a teacher: “Can we chat for a moment… privately?” As I watch my daughter remain in the supervised playroom, I follow the preschool teacher out the door, my heart racing. Other parents stroll by, engaged in cheerful conversation with their little ones, while I awkwardly lean against a wall, wedged between a squeaky tricycle and a gardening cart.
“There was an incident today,” the teacher says, her sympathetic expression telling me all I need to know. My cheeks flush with embarrassment as I realize my child is the one who has bitten another kid.
As I stand there, speechless and flustered, I can’t help but feel a wave of shame wash over me. How did I end up as the parent of a biter? What did I do wrong? Parenting can sometimes feel like a delicate balancing act, and one wrong move by our children—whether it’s a forgotten “thank you,” an unkind remark, or, in this case, sinking teeth into another child’s arm—can make us question our abilities.
Despite my daughter being sweet, polite, and a broccoli enthusiast, she now has a new label: The Biter. And I am now known as The Biter’s mom.
When a child bites, it feels like a colossal parenting failure. We often internalize our children’s actions as a reflection of our own parenting skills. One misstep, and we’re ready to put ourselves on trial. As a mom of three, I know that sometimes kids act out not because they are misbehaving but because they’re struggling to manage their emotions.
Rationally, I understand that biting is a typical phase for toddlers, who are just starting to navigate their feelings and the world around them. According to the American Psychological Association, it’s completely normal for kids under three to bite. Great, but that doesn’t ease the sting of shame I still feel, nor does it help the mom of the child my daughter bit.
We constantly set high expectations for ourselves and our kids, and while most parents understand that kids misbehave, biting is a unique challenge. Preschoolers can seem more like wild animals than civilized humans at times.
Finally, I muster the courage to apologize to the teacher. I assure her that we always encourage our kids to express themselves with words. I want her to know I’m a caring mom, and I need her to see that my daughter isn’t mean-spirited. Hesitantly, I ask how the incident occurred. Did someone provoke her?
The teacher explains that while lining up, another child accidentally pushed my daughter, causing her to stumble, which led to her biting the child in front of her out of frustration. While I’m relieved to hear there’s some context behind my daughter’s actions, it doesn’t erase the feeling of shame.
I return to the playroom to find my daughter happily constructing a wobbly tower. “Mama!” she squeals, burying her face in my leg. “I was sad today.”
“I know, sweetheart,” I reply, stroking her hair. Despite my own guilt, I don’t want to pass my shame onto her. She’s just a sweet toddler figuring out who she is, and that journey involves some trial and error. My role is to guide her with kindness and help her make better choices.
As for the other child’s mom, I hope my upcoming apology will be met with understanding. A little compassion from fellow parents can go a long way in helping us forgive ourselves.
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Summary:
Parenting a toddler who bites can be an embarrassing and shame-filled experience. Understanding that such behavior is often a normal part of development can help ease parental guilt. It’s essential to support children as they learn to express their emotions and navigate social situations, while also seeking understanding from fellow parents.