I absolutely adore my birthday, and let’s be real—I’m even more fond of birthday gifts! My husband and friends have learned over the years that I can be a tad specific (or should I say picky?) about what I want, so they always request a list. While it might take away some of the surprise, it also saves me from pretending to be overjoyed—like that time in middle school when my mom gifted me a neon green and purple jacket that made me question her ability to know me at all. This year, I’ve put together a comprehensive list of delightful items and quirky wishes that would make my birthday all the more special (gluten-free Black Forest cake with real whipped cream, please!).
- A dedicated person to back up my phone weekly, so when I inevitably drop it in the toilet and have to present it in a rice-filled Ziploc bag, I won’t be met with the judgmental gaze of a teenage “genius” who questions my tech skills.
- The ability to crouch or climb stairs without my knees sounding like a vintage creaky door.
- Merging into traffic without needing to whip my head back and forth like I’m watching a tennis match.
- Bye-bye, zits!
- When I say “Goodnight” to my daughter, I’d love for her to simply give me a thumbs-up and drift off to sleep instead of launching into a lengthy recap of her day.
- Self-cleaning pillowcases. Seriously, I forget to wash my linens way too often, and I’d rather not inhale the scent of my hair musk from the last month.
- A modest B cup, no surgery or pregnancy required. Is that too much to ask?
- Lipstick that stays put and doesn’t end up smeared down my chin like I just kissed a clown.
- Zero-calorie cheese. I might be okay with a small risk of anal leakage.
- No more high school nightmares, please.
- Candles that make my home smell at least 56% cleaner.
- A Roomba-like gadget that discreetly roams around, collecting glitter and crumbs—my daughter’s favorite contributions to our decor.
- Every time I buy alcohol, I’d like to be carded. I might roll my eyes, but inside, I’m cheering.
- More reality shows featuring naked men fixing household items.
- An alarm on my phone to notify me of impending “teachable moments.”
- More hugs! Full-body contact ones, where you don’t pull away until we’re done.
- An hour in a bouncy castle all to myself—just in case I pee a little.
- A bubble bath that’s free of any floating hair (from who knows where).
- Two uninterrupted bathroom visits, each lasting up to 30 minutes.
- An app that reminds me of upcoming birthdays so I can always be the thoughtful friend.
- The ongoing ability to cure all minor injuries with a kiss.
- Three pairs of jeans that look amazing, even during popcorn-for-dinner weeks.
- The courage to answer calls from unknown numbers.
- The skill to deliver the perfect comeback when someone’s rude.
- A signature scent that’s so hypnotic it stops people in their tracks.
- The ability to enjoy more than one glass of wine without the morning-after regret.
- No gray hair anywhere on my body!
- A brand of cheese sticks that doesn’t require an engineering degree to open.
- A spontaneous weekend getaway with my husband—no camping allowed!
- Salted caramel in every possible form.
- The talent to apply eyeliner without looking like my 4-year-old did it.
- An Uber service for school drop-offs, where drivers accept payment in unwrapped cheese sticks.
- Instagram to magically become inaccessible two hours before bedtime so I don’t get sucked into scrolling.
- NO MORE FAMILY DINNERS! (Okay, maybe that’s asking too much.)
- Microwave popcorn that doesn’t explode into 25 pieces while leaving 113 blazing hot kernels behind.
- Skin that transitions with the seasons without looking like an old seaside house.
- NO MORE CROW’S FEET.
- For all my loved ones to live forever (or at least longer than I do) because I can’t bear the thought of life without them.
It might seem like a tall order, but let’s face it—I’m well on my way to the big 4-0, and I can’t be shy about what I want. I can be flexible, though; I’d settle for just one uninterrupted bathroom visit, as long as I can bring my phone, some snacks, and a good book. You reach this age and you really think of it all!
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Summary
Turning 38 means it’s time to get specific about what would really make me happy. From practical gadgets to whimsical wishes, my birthday list covers everything from self-cleaning pillowcases to spontaneous getaways. I want to embrace this new year of life with all the joy and laughter it can bring!