A few weeks ago, my son, Lucas, went on a field trip to our local museum. When I arrived to pick him up, his teacher took me aside to share a touching story. During their visit, the children were given stone shards to carve into arrowheads. Lucas had received a particularly large piece, and when a little girl beside him expressed her hope for a similar shard, he didn’t hesitate to hand over his.
I share this story not just to highlight Lucas’s generous spirit, but also to reflect on the values I want to instill in him. He has a natural inclination towards compassion and kindness, always ready to lift others up. In that moment, he wanted to ensure his friend had a memorable experience, even at the cost of his own enjoyment. I believe this act of generosity will resonate with that little girl, inspiring her to pass on the kindness one day.
While this is part of his innate character, I recognize that it’s also shaped by how I choose to parent. Lucas is sensitive and empathetic, which means he sometimes feels overwhelmed or struggles to articulate his emotions. For some, this might indicate that he is too soft and needs a dose of tough love to prepare for the harsh realities of life. However, I strongly disagree with that viewpoint and refuse to impose it on my son.
I won’t try to harden him for a world that can be unforgiving. As a child, I often heard messages urging me to toughen up, to remain silent about significant issues that deserved attention. Many of us have encountered moments when our feelings were brushed aside, and that experience is never pleasant.
I am committed to fostering an environment where my kids can freely express their emotions—whether they’re sad, angry, or joyful. This approach is not about allowing them to wallow in minor disappointments, like not receiving the largest slice of cake at a birthday party. Instead, it’s about encouraging them to process their feelings in a constructive manner. The alternative—bottling emotions—can lead to resentment and unresolved issues.
We have the ability to raise children who are kind, caring, and emotionally intelligent. It’s essential to show them that expressing feelings is not a weakness. When they witness us engaging in acts of kindness, whether it’s holding a door open or supporting a local charity, they absorb those lessons. Conversely, when we dismiss their feelings and tell them to toughen up, we risk teaching them that their emotions are not valid.
When our children come to us with their struggles, regardless of how trivial they may seem, it’s imperative to acknowledge their feelings and guide them through it. Creating safe spaces for emotional expression enables them to navigate their feelings effectively. The more we practice this emotional engagement, the more adept we become at managing our own feelings.
Life will inevitably bring pain and challenges, which is one of the hardest truths of parenthood. I want my children to learn how to confront these challenges in a healthy, proactive manner. This does not involve encouraging them to endure hardships without flinching or suggesting that they should conform to outdated notions of masculinity or toughness. That mindset only perpetuates shame around their emotions and can lead to unhealthy expressions of feelings later on.
When children learn to navigate their emotions, they’re better equipped to empathize with others. If we teach them to repress their feelings, they may struggle to connect with others who are hurting, ultimately diminishing their capacity for compassion.
When we witness children who embody love and kindness, it’s a powerful gift to the world. It could be as simple as allowing someone else to have the larger arrowhead, just to show thoughtfulness.
For more insights on parenting and emotional health, be sure to check out this other blog post. If you’re interested in the journey of home insemination, Make a Mom offers valuable resources. Additionally, the CDC provides an excellent resource for pregnancy and home insemination.
In summary, I refuse to impose the notion of toughness on my children. Instead, I prioritize fostering emotional intelligence, compassion, and kindness. By allowing them to express their feelings and navigate their experiences openly, we prepare them to face the world with empathy and understanding.