As a parent, I often find myself reflecting on whether I am truly doing a good job. Am I making the right choices? Am I inadvertently failing my children? Am I a good mother? It’s a rare parent who feels completely confident in their role, and even fewer can say they had exemplary models in their own parents. Most of us would probably change various aspects of how we were raised.
In my case, my parents served as prime examples of what not to do when it comes to parenting. From an early age, I sensed that they might not have wanted children; my arrival in their lives was marked by an unplanned pregnancy that came at a challenging time for both of them. I often felt unwanted, not because of a lack of affection, but because my understanding of love was skewed. To me, love felt more like an obligation—a mere acknowledgment of our existence together rather than a genuine emotional connection.
Their divorce during my kindergarten years only solidified my feelings of instability. I was aware that it wasn’t my fault; my parents simply made each other miserable. My mother was ambitious yet overwhelmed, while my father had dreams he never pursued, often sabotaging himself. Their constant arguments shaped my perception of family dynamics, leading me to believe that conflict was the norm. Their divorce, however, was one of the few correct decisions they made.
After the split, my mother gained custody of my siblings and me, while my father engaged in a frustrating custody battle that seemed more about annoyance than genuine interest in our well-being. He would come and go unpredictably, and I heard my mother’s family criticize him for being a neglectful father. My mother was understandably bitter, struggling to raise three children while coping with the financial mess my father left behind. The burden she carried led her to project her pain onto me.
I acknowledge that parenting can be incredibly challenging, and I’ve lost my temper with my own kids on more than one occasion. I have experienced the kind of irrational anger that makes me cringe to think about, but I refrain from acting on those feelings because I remember what it’s like to be on the receiving end of such rage.
I know how painful and confusing it is to hear a parent express hatred during a moment of frustration or to feel the weight of being told that you are unlovable. Growing up in an environment where neither parent seemed to want me left a lasting impression.
Ultimately, my parents illustrated what not to do as parents: they made it clear that love should be unconditional. I strive every day to convey to my children that they are wanted and loved without reservation. I make it a priority to express my love for them verbally and through my actions, repeatedly telling them, “I love you.” Even if I stumble, they never doubt my love for them.
Everything I do for my children comes from a place of love, not obligation. I am grateful to be their mother and want them to know that unequivocally. There’s no room for uncertainty in their hearts regarding my love for them.
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In summary, my parents’ shortcomings have provided me with a clear roadmap for effective parenting. Their example has reinforced my commitment to ensuring that my children feel loved and valued every day.