I strive to avoid yelling, as it triggers deep-seated responses from my past. Both in childhood and adulthood, I have faced overwhelming and abusive anger, which has left a significant mark on my emotional and physiological state. It wasn’t until I stepped into the world of parenting that I realized my own raised voice could also serve as a trigger.
My son, Leo, will turn 5 this fall, and he is generally a joyful and well-mannered child. Like many kids his age, he has experienced short-lived phases of biting and tantrums. To address these behaviors, I implemented “time-ins”—a gentle approach to handling strong emotions without isolating or shaming him. This journey has taught me patience, a virtue that Leo sometimes tests.
I want to clarify that I do not resort to hitting or restraining my son; I firmly believe in non-violent parenting. I would never force Leo to hug me or anyone else, nor would I shame him for declining physical affection.
However, there are moments when I find myself raising my voice, and I detest it. When my patience wanes, it’s usually linked to safety concerns or repeated behaviors that Leo knows he shouldn’t indulge in. For instance, while playing in the yard, he understands he must stay on the grass and avoid the driveway. When he ventures too close to danger, I guide him back and remind him of the rules. Yet, after several attempts, I sometimes resort to raising my voice. This approach snaps him back to safety, and he often apologizes. I wish I could achieve the same results with a calm tone, but it doesn’t always work.
The most distressing moment came when Leo looked at me, shouted “No!” and struck my arm. I recognize that young children often exhibit such behavior, and I don’t view it as intentional aggression. However, the act of physically restraining his hand and firmly stating, “We do not hit, ever!” was emotionally taxing for me. I felt my throat constrict, my heart race, and my hands tremble. Even when I softened my tone to explain why hitting is hurtful, I felt like I was pleading for him to hear me rather than teaching.
Experiencing trauma can leave our nervous systems in a heightened state of alert, making us react strongly to perceived threats, even when no real danger exists. Dr. Bessel Van der Kolk, a trauma psychiatrist, explores this in his influential book, The Body Keeps the Score. He emphasizes that trauma survivors often experience an overactive stress response, where even minor triggers can provoke intense feelings and sensations. While this knowledge might seem daunting, it has also been empowering. We can learn to recondition our responses, much like we train our bodies to adapt physically.
When I feel my patience slipping away amid raised voices, I remind myself that my son is not a threat. I strive to teach him respect and self-control, rather than instilling fear. Leo is simply a young child testing boundaries, not an adult testing them repeatedly. I also have to consider that my own voice can cause distress. For this reason, I employ grounding techniques to manage my anxiety: focusing on my senses, engaging in yoga, and practicing deep breathing, visualizing the release of negativity with each exhale.
Healing is often a slow and solitary process. I turn to blogs to connect with others navigating similar challenges. In “Parenting with Trauma,” one writer candidly discusses how her child’s responses mirror those from her past abusive relationships, highlighting the fear that arises when parenting with trauma. This sentiment resonates deeply with me. Another insightful piece on Stigma Fighters discusses the struggle against impulses to react negatively toward one’s child, reinforcing the daily battle against becoming what we have experienced.
It’s crucial to recognize that identifying triggers is not about avoiding certain topics or situations. In parenting, I strive to maintain a calm demeanor to avoid creating a power dynamic based on fear. I do not want Leo to witness my distress triggered by anxiety or sensory overload. Instead, I want to be a source of safety and understanding.
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Summary
The journey of parenting can be challenging, especially when navigating personal triggers from past trauma. By employing gentle discipline techniques and grounding strategies, I strive to teach my son respect while managing my reactions. It’s essential to understand that healing takes time, and connecting with others can provide support and understanding throughout this process.