Parenting
Updated: Jan. 11, 2021
Originally Published: May 20, 2017
Even though it was three years ago today, I can recall it as if it were yesterday. Despite my efforts to move on, the memory of the four women who held my hand and gazed into my eyes as I drifted off under anesthesia remains vivid. As they wheeled me into the operating room, I felt their profound empathy penetrating my heart. It astonishes me how such an intimate connection with strangers can exist. Did you know that 1 in 4 women experiences a miscarriage?
Among those women were a gynecologist, an anesthesiologist, and two nurses. My husband, Jacob, stayed with me until the last possible moment before I had to be left in their care. I cherish Jacob deeply; his support meant the world to me, but I sensed his struggle to find the right words to comfort me. He could never fully understand the grief of having a life, a heartbeat, created from love, removed from my body. The womb that had once brought us our daughter had now let us both down.
Those who have faced the loss of a pregnancy will resonate with what I’m saying. Although 1 in 4 women experience miscarriage, I felt utterly isolated. The weight of shame and blame rested solely on my shoulders. My body had failed me. I know now that it wasn’t my fault, yet at that time, I was my own harshest critic.
A mother who has undergone a procedure to terminate a pregnancy knows that the only way to describe the feeling is as an overwhelming emptiness. For months, I struggled to reconnect with myself. My smiles were infrequent, and I wore a mask of happiness for friends and family to convince them I was okay. The anniversary of my loss, May 7th, crept up on me. Until I checked my calendar, I had been immersed in the joy of snuggling my almost 6-year-old and laughing with my 2-year-old. These two amazing girls fill my heart, yet beneath it all, there remains a void where something could have been—a potential life that never came to be.
One of the few things that helped me through those challenging days was Jacob’s advice: “Give yourself a little grace.” A counselor later explained that with miscarriage, the depth of grief is not determined by how far along you were in the pregnancy. In our era of early pregnancy detection, it’s all too easy to start planning a future filled with baby dreams, only to have it taken away unexpectedly.
Even though I sensed something was off during that pregnancy, I never anticipated that it would not result in a heartbeat. Hearing my nurse practitioner say, “I’m going to get a second opinion, but I am not seeing a heartbeat,” filled me with disbelief. Yet, amidst my sorrow, I felt a wave of compassion for her in delivering such devastating news.
Now, I can reflect on that day with appreciation—not for the loss, but for the incredible women who surrounded me during my darkest hour. I even wrote a thank-you note to those four women, pondering how to adequately express my gratitude for their compassion during such a painful experience.
While I doubt miscarriage will ever be fully “normalized,” raising awareness about the fact that 1 in 4 women experience it can foster greater empathy. I choose my words more carefully around those who may be trying to conceive, acknowledging the struggles they might face. I strive to express gratitude for the blessings in my life, even as I occasionally complain (I’m not perfect). I understand how fortunate I am to have two beautiful, healthy daughters who exhibit their own imperfections while learning life’s lessons—just as I have.
When I’m with other mothers, I sometimes can’t help but wonder which of them has faced the same heartache. As three years have passed, I remind myself to be thankful, even for that painful experience, for without it, I may not have welcomed my beautiful second daughter a year later.
Through all the heartache, I’ve learned about my own strength. I am resilient. I am a miracle-maker. I am not broken. I am a mother. I am 1 in 4. For more information on related topics, you can check out this resource on infertility or explore this excellent article on home insemination. Additionally, if you’re interested in at-home insemination kits, Make a Mom is a fantastic authority on the subject.