Years ago, when I could rise from bed without the aid of six Aleve and my skin still had some elasticity, I held a completely misguided view of hemorrhoids. In my youthful ignorance, I thought they were the most repulsive affliction known to humankind, and the very thought of experiencing them filled me with dread. I believed hemorrhoids were strictly for the elderly, the overweight, or those who skimped on toilet paper and personal hygiene.
Then I became pregnant.
Ask any expectant mother, and you’ll hear that hemorrhoids are just one of the delightful perks of growing a tiny human. It’s hardly surprising, is it? Gaining an extra forty to sixty pounds? Hello, hemorrhoids. Pressure from an expanding uterus? Yep, that’s a pregnancy hemorrhoid. Straining for what feels like an eternity only to produce a pebble-sized, hard stool? Oh, you can bet that will lead to hemorrhoids.
And let’s not forget the joys of postpartum life, where you can also develop hemorrhoids due to the strain of childbirth. Congrats on your new baby, right?
For me, pregnancy was the eye-opening introduction to this uncomfortable reality, and I’ve been grappling with them ever since. Did you know there are two types? The “external” hemorrhoids are the ones most people recognize – the bulging, often itchy, and sometimes painful piles that make you dash for your hemorrhoid cushion.
Then there are “internal” hemorrhoids. These are less conspicuous – in fact, they can’t even be seen – but don’t be fooled! They come with the delightful side effect of bright red bleeding from your rectum, triggering a panic-inducing thought process that goes something like this:
- Is that my period?
- From my rear?
- No way.
- Definitely from my anus.
- OH MY GOSH, I’M BLEEDING!
- This can only mean…
- Butthole cancer is the only explanation!
Just as you’re about to break the news to your family about your impending doom (again), you decide to consult WebMD (yet again). Sure enough, typing in your symptoms leads to the same diagnosis: hemorrhoids (again). And so it goes.
At this stage in my life, hemorrhoids have become an unwelcome yet familiar companion. I might not experience them constantly, and some flare-ups can be milder than others, but they’re always lurking. I no longer view hemorrhoids as an issue only for the elderly, the lazy, or the unclean. Now, my thoughts about them have shifted to:
- Ugh.
- Not this again.
- Why did I indulge in that spicy curry?
- I should have known that chicken makhani wasn’t “mild.”
- It was definitely more of a spicy “medium.”
- Ouch.
- Is this toilet paper or did someone just sandblast my backside?
- Where’s that Tucks cream?
- …just out of reach…
- …almost there…
- Ahhh!
- HONEY? WHERE IS THE CUSHION?
- THE… WHAT DO YOU MEAN “WHAT CUSHION?”
- THE HEMORRHOID CUSHION!
- Is he serious?
What I’m getting at is this: hemorrhoids are now a part of my life. An annoying, itchy, and uncomfortable part, yes, but a part nonetheless. Welcome, hemorrhoids. Feel free to make yourselves at home in my backside.
If you’re interested in more insights on this topic, check out this helpful article. And for those seeking reliable at-home solutions, take a look at this insemination kit from a trusted retailer. For further details on pregnancy and related topics, visit Kindbody’s blog.
Summary
Hemorrhoids are an uncomfortable reality that many face, especially during pregnancy and postpartum. They come in two forms: external and internal, both of which can lead to distressing symptoms. With a humorous take on the topic, the article shares personal experiences and offers encouragement to those dealing with this common issue.
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