This year, I attended my first funeral in over a decade. The summer heat mixed with a sudden downpour at the cemetery felt eerily familiar. Fifteen years ago, I stood in that same spot on a dreary February day, boots sinking into the mud, holding hands with my mother and grandmother — a somber line for my grandfather who had departed. This time, it was my grandmother’s turn to leave us, and I found myself grasping tightly to my mother’s hand, a sweaty promise that we would support each other through the days and years ahead.
Now, as Mother’s Day approaches, the weather has warmed, and my children have begun their school projects — crafting handprints, lace-paper hearts, and Crayola sunflowers with their smiling faces at the center. This year, my mother faces Mother’s Day for the first time as one of the motherless, a woman who has experienced that deep love and must now navigate the memories of loss. So, I write for her and for all mothers who are reaching for the hand they can no longer hold.
To the mothers of young children:
I know you’ll find pictures on your phone and fridge that will remind you of the one you miss. You’ll wake up tired yet smiling this May morning as your kids bring you their creations — even if the pancakes are burnt. I understand that you’ll treasure every gift, whether homemade or store-bought, and embrace them with kisses and warm hugs. You will help them dress and remind them to say please and thank you during your celebratory meal. I recognize that you will continue to mother them, all while your heart aches for the nurturing you also need.
I know you’ll hold back tears as you think of the woman who came before you. There will be snippets of conversations with her echoing in your mind throughout the day, making it feel even more poignant in her absence. At some point, I imagine you will step away, catching your breath before letting the tears flow, just like the child you wish you still were. It’s perfectly fine to cry like that; we all need to let it out sometimes. Children do it so well, with their snotty hiccups and flushed faces, leaving us feeling drained yet somehow lighter.
But then, I know you’ll smile again when those little hands come to check on you. You will end this day just as it began — with kisses, pajamas, and warm bodies to comfort you. I hope you find solace in those moments, allowing the bedtime rituals to soothe your heart, helping you process both the joy and the pain of this day.
To the mothers of mothers:
I know you’ll sift through old albums or search your attic for photos, holding them a moment longer as you trace the outlines of a life you wish you could revisit. You may want to call your children, but you’ll hold back until they reach out to you — waiting for their breakfasts in bed, homemade cards, and morning snuggles to conclude. That’s how you mother now, with patience and understanding of the rituals you once celebrated.
You will smile as you speak with your children, even while the sounds of laughter or tears echo in the background on their end. I know you’ll share in their happiness, yet the silence will feel louder when the conversation ends, and the memories drift back as life moves forward.
I also imagine you will talk to your mother, sharing all the things you wish you could say if you could make that call today. Throughout this day, you will embody every role — the mother, the grandmother, and yes, the child who misses her own mother. It’s okay to embrace all these identities. As night falls, I hope you acknowledge the many Mother’s Days that have come before and those yet to come.
To all mothers navigating the bittersweet reality of being motherless, you are not alone. You don’t need to fit into one single role. Feel free to cry like a child. You can mourn the hand you can no longer hold while still holding the hands of your own children. Mother’s Day is about honoring both celebration and remembrance.
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In summary, Mother’s Day can be a complicated journey for those who have lost their mothers. It’s a day filled with both joy and sadness, reminding us of the love we hold and the memories we cherish.