What surprised me about parenthood was how much my children mirror both the positive and negative aspects of me and my partner. During challenging moments, their behavior often highlights my own tendencies—some of which I’ve spent years in therapy trying to manage.
After particularly tough days, I remind myself that while strong-willed kids can be challenging to raise, they often grow into capable, independent adults. This long-term commitment to their growth will ultimately pay off when they aren’t living in my basement.
The more difficult days fade away, washed away by hearty laughter, unexpected notes hidden in backpacks, and creative art projects expressing love in clay and quirky mugs. It’s as if time smooths out the rough patches, providing a balance for parents and children alike.
In my 7-year-old daughter, I already see traits of resilience and determination. Recently, she faced a significant challenge when a building kit was missing over 40 pieces. Rather than succumbing to frustration and tears, she adapted, using her brother’s spare parts, and even reached out to the company, receiving a thoughtful response. Watching her tackle obstacles makes me envision her future as a successful corporate leader—she’s truly unstoppable. But this adaptable nature comes with its downsides.
As a natural peacemaker and problem-solver, I notice her tendency to prioritize others’ needs over her own. This often manifests in her excessive apologizing—two little words that echo throughout our home: “I’m sorry.”
This morning, while we baked muffins, she apologized for a muffin cup that didn’t look quite right. Later, when a fitted sheet popped off the bed, she again said, “I’m sorry, Mom.” Even when her brothers created a mess that frustrated me, she chimed in with another “I’m sorry.” It’s a constant refrain.
Don’t get me wrong; I want my children to be polite and considerate. However, I’m concerned about her frequent apologies for things beyond her control. This reflexive behavior—like punctuation in her conversations—is a distinctly feminine pattern. Her brothers and father don’t do this, and sadly, she picked it up from me.
I first noted her excessive apologizing when she was about four or five. It seemed to color her interactions. I tried to correct her by explaining that she doesn’t need to apologize for things she didn’t cause or unless she hurts someone, whether intentionally or unintentionally. I thought I was guiding her well, but then I realized I was inadvertently modeling this behavior myself.
Just this morning, I asked her to check the oven, and when she put down her book, I reflexively said, “I’m sorry. I didn’t know you were reading.” There it was—my own apology, again. It struck me that I was apologizing for simply asking something of her.
This pattern of women minimizing themselves isn’t a new conversation. Figures like Sheryl Sandberg have spoken extensively on the topic. I’ve even taken courses focused on these issues and understand the importance of empowering women. Yet, despite knowing better, I find myself contributing to this narrative with my daughter.
Recently, I attended a conference where accomplished female cardiologists discussed the challenges they faced in negotiating contracts, often hesitating due to fears of being labeled “difficult” or “pushy.” Even in 2023, women at the highest levels are still sent mixed messages about being agreeable and minimizing their presence. I’ve been a part of that cycle, and for that, I’m truly regretful.
On a positive note, I’m raising a daughter who seeks resolution and is willing to take responsibility. These are admirable qualities, especially when one is genuinely at fault. My responsibility as her mother is to teach her not to take on blame that isn’t hers and to stand firm in her value. She should never apologize for her presence, intelligence, or strength.
If every day is a new opportunity to change course, it starts with me. It involves distinguishing between true responsibility and empathy, and learning to speak more effectively and intentionally. No more unnecessary apologies—sorry… not sorry.
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In summary, I am committed to teaching my daughter that she does not need to apologize constantly for simply existing or for situations outside her control. While being polite and considerate is important, it’s equally crucial for her to recognize her worth and not diminish it with unnecessary apologies.