“Wait, you really knew? And you still decided to adopt her?” I felt a wave of discomfort wash over me as I conversed with a new acquaintance. “Well, wouldn’t you still go through with it if she were your daughter?” I asked, watching her expression shift to one of astonishment.
Here it comes, I thought to myself, bracing for the familiar response. She inhaled deeply and then said, as countless others have in the past months: “You and your partner are true heroes!”
This woman’s inquiry was about our adoption of Leila, an adorable 5-year-old girl from Armenia. Leila was born with spina bifida, hydrocephalus, and congenital scoliosis, in addition to other challenges (for instance, she produces almost no growth hormones, leaving her the same size at nearly 6 years old as her brothers were at 15 months). She cannot stand or walk and requires round-the-clock medical care.
My husband Mark and I are a young, educated, middle-class couple with numerous opportunities in front of us. As a military family, we frequently relocate, often finding ourselves away from relatives, facing extended deployments, and enduring periods where Mark is away for weeks at a time. We are also passionate about physical activities and enjoy long-distance racing (Mark dreams of becoming an American Ninja Warrior!). Moreover, the adoption drained our savings, and we were already managing the chaos of three small children aged 3 to 8 before welcoming our new bundle of joy, fully aware of the commitment her needs would demand.
These realities often lead to disbelief and unwarranted praise when people hear our story. Many struggle to grasp why we chose this path and willingly embraced the challenges that come with it. I should have grown accustomed to such reactions by now; I witnessed my own parents receive similar accolades when they adopted my siblings.
But I still find it difficult to accept. Here’s why:
Let’s be clear: Mark and I are neither perfect nor infallible. We argue over parenting styles, occasionally lose our tempers, and sometimes forget to get insurance referrals for Leila’s specialist appointments. Her charm doesn’t always soften our frustrations. We don’t speak Armenian, had no prior experience with adoption, and felt like novices when it came to managing spina bifida.
Beyond that, we were overwhelmed with fear at many stages of the process. Deep down, we felt destined to welcome Leila into our family, but that knowledge didn’t make the journey any easier.
We grappled with fears—not of being unprepared (as every parent, biological or adoptive, experiences) or of the challenges Leila’s medical condition might present, but rather the fear of not being enough for her.
The reality is that we are imperfect beings, flawed yet beautiful in our humanity. Mark and I simply chose to say yes despite our fears. We continued to push forward, learn, and adapt, knowing that retreating would haunt us more than any mistakes we might make with Leila.
When people label us as heroes for adopting a child with disabilities, they inadvertently absolve themselves from taking similar risks. They convince themselves that only “heroes” like Mark and I can undertake such a journey, allowing them to sidestep their own potential for making a difference in a child’s life.
This mindset is troubling: by elevating us to the status of heroes, they close the door on their own possibilities and the opportunity to change a child’s life in ways they could never have imagined.
For further insights on family planning and adoption, consider reading more about home insemination options on our other blog post. Also, if you’re interested in resources related to artificial insemination, check out Cryobaby at Make a Mom. Additionally, for more information on pregnancy and home insemination, News Medical provides excellent resources.
Summary:
The author expresses discomfort with being labeled a “hero” for adopting a child with disabilities, arguing that such labels excuse others from considering similar paths. They share their journey, emphasizing their imperfections and fears while highlighting the importance of recognizing everyone’s potential to make a difference in a child’s life.