As part of my daily routine after dropping the kids off at school, I find myself shutting my daughter’s bedroom door. Each time I glance inside, it fills me with frustration. Clothes are scattered across the floor, and her desk is a chaotic mess of papers. I often sigh and think, “What’s her deal? How difficult is it to toss the clothes in the hamper?” It never fails to put me in a sour mood.
Then I turn the corner into my own room and instantly recognize my hypocrisy. My pajamas are strewn across my floor, and I recall how messy my own room was growing up—it often resembled a clothing store explosion.
I grapple with perfectionism. Some days, I might say I’m a recovering perfectionist, but the truth is that urge for everything to be just right is still there, ready to rear its head. I constantly battle this perfectionist version of myself, which sometimes seeps into my parenting, leaving me feeling guilty.
Rebecca Eanes, author of The Newbie’s Guide to Positive Parenting, astutely points out, “So often, children are punished for being human. They are not allowed to have grumpy moods, bad days, disrespectful tones, or bad attitudes. Yet, we adults experience these feelings regularly. None of us are perfect. We must stop holding our children to a higher standard of perfection than we can attain ourselves.”
I must admit, I’m guilty of this mindset.
It’s far too common for me to wake up in a bad mood. My tone can be sharp, and I might snap at everyone around me. Yet, I feel justified because I’m an adult, right? But are we extending the same grace to our children?
I’m making an effort to do so, but it’s a challenge to consistently remind myself of this. I’ve noticed that when children act out or throw tantrums, it often stems from a deeper issue. It’s my duty to uncover what’s troubling them—whether it’s a rough night’s sleep, bullying at school, or simply waking up on the wrong side of the bed. After all, our kids are human, too.
Sometimes, though, we forget this fundamental truth. We react with punishment, raise our voices, or, if you’re like me, withdraw from the child who’s having the toughest day. The tumultuous emotions of tweens and teens can be overwhelming.
I often glance at my little ones and see their neediness, forgetting that their behavior is simply a part of being human. They don’t intend to make my life difficult; they’re navigating their own experiences and require my guidance, love, and support.
Honestly, I’m needy too. If there were a title for the queen of neediness, I’d wear that crown proudly.
Lately, I’ve been encouraging my kids to express their anger or frustration towards me. They’re allowed to feel upset, but they can’t lash out in harmful ways. I suggest they go to their rooms to cool off or yell into a pillow before discussing their feelings with me when they’re ready. I attempt to follow this advice myself, modeling the behaviors I wish to instill in them.
I’m learning to differentiate between punishing them for being human and punishing them for inappropriate behavior. It can be exhausting to navigate the emotional landscape of family life, especially with the foot-stomping threenager, the eye-rolling tween, and the brooding teenager who seems to hate the world for no apparent reason.
It’s essential to remember that these little humans we are raising are just that—humans. They deserve grace and understanding for their intense emotions, and punishing them for feeling upset or angry isn’t always the right approach.
Here are some strategies I use to keep myself grounded:
- I ask myself if something deeper may be affecting my child’s behavior.
- I inquire if there’s anything bothering them.
- I consider how I would feel if I were reprimanded in the same way.
- I reflect on whether I’d be held accountable for the same behavior as a child.
One afternoon, my daughter came home from school crying and angry. As her mood worsened, my frustration grew. I wondered why she was ruining my day when I had been perfectly fine before her arrival. I felt tempted to send her to her room to escape her emotional turmoil.
But a quiet voice nudged me to simply be present with her. I paused my activities, and we sat together on the couch. While she didn’t say much, I noticed her breathing steady and her expression soften as she gazed out the window. She needed my presence and undivided attention.
This experience reinforced a crucial lesson: there’s no universal fix for every situation, but we must remind ourselves that our children are human, just like us. If we can release our unrealistic expectations of perfection, our families can experience greater happiness together.
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In summary, children should not be punished for simply being human. By offering compassion and understanding, we can foster a happier family environment where everyone feels accepted for who they are.