In early 2005, just three months after marrying my partner, Sarah, she brought up the idea of starting a family. We were settled in a cozy two-bedroom apartment in Provo, Utah, and while the topic had come up playfully during our dating days, it suddenly felt more serious now that we were married. We joked about what our future child would be like—whether they would inherit my stocky build or Sarah’s slender frame, or whether they would have my loud sense of humor or her thoughtful demeanor. Name selections were made, and we discussed our preferences for a boy or girl.
However, when Sarah suggested we begin trying for a baby, I felt a rush of anxiety. “What? Slow down,” I replied, urging her to reconsider. “I think we need to wait.” Sarah pressed me for reasons, questioning why we should delay. We loved each other and were committed, so what was stopping us?
I had my reasons, which sounded like typical concerns about finances and stability, but deep down, my anxiety loomed larger. I often struggled with panic attacks, especially at night. The thought of Sarah going into labor at an inconvenient hour made my heart race. Babies are notorious for sleepless nights, and I feared how that would impact my already fragile mental state. These thoughts may seem irrational, but that’s the essence of living with generalized anxiety disorder.
Before marrying Sarah, I had spent three years finding the right balance of medication, exercise, and meditation to manage my anxiety. I worried that becoming a parent might unravel all the progress I’d made. Ultimately, it took a leap of faith to consider having children. This meant having honest conversations with myself, recognizing my fears, and remembering that I had a supportive partner by my side.
Ten years and three kids later, I’ve come to understand that the initial leap of faith was just the beginning. Parenting while dealing with anxiety involves gathering strength when your children need you, even when dread is gnawing at your insides. It means confronting fears head-on and seeking comfort in your partner.
Being a parent has introduced a myriad of new anxieties, but it has also provided countless distractions that keep my mind occupied. There are days when I feel paralyzed by worry about my job, my home, or my children, and it’s then that I must step back and have a moment of calm with my partner to regroup.
Yet, there are beautiful instances when my little ones snuggle in my lap, melting away my anxiety in an instant. I remember one particular night when my son, Max, was just a month old. It was my turn to care for him in the middle of the night. Instead of retreating to the TV and my usual anxiolytics, I stood in the dim kitchen, cradling him close. He was swaddled in a cozy blanket adorned with playful animals, and in that moment, I realized my role was bigger than my fears. I had a responsibility to be present for him, to rise to the occasion.
“I won’t let anxiety control my life anymore,” I whispered to myself. This mantra became my anchor, allowing me to harness my fears by focusing on my children.
Going forward, not every moment has been easy, and I still rely on my doctor to help manage my symptoms. Yet, there’s something incredibly empowering about knowing that the love and responsibility I have toward my children can often outweigh my anxieties. It’s in these moments that I recognize how essential they are to my journey.
Parenting with generalized anxiety disorder presents a constant push and pull, but acknowledging that my duty to my children surpasses my worries is a source of profound strength. That love and connection make the chaotic yet rewarding journey of parenthood worthwhile.
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Summary
Parenting with generalized anxiety disorder is a journey filled with challenges and rewards. While anxiety can feel overwhelming, the love and responsibility towards children can provide the strength needed to navigate those fears. It’s about recognizing that despite the pressures, the bond with your children is a powerful motivator for growth and resilience.