Parenting
By Lila Thompson
Last weekend, my 6-year-old daughter, Sophie, attended her first baby shower. A family friend is expecting a baby girl, and it was delightful for Sophie to be included in the festivities. The charming pink decorations and candy buffet captured her attention, and on the drive home, she had a flurry of questions.
“Mom, if someone has another baby next year, is it okay to have another shower?” she asked.
“I believe so! Every new baby deserves to be celebrated,” I replied. “Plus, any excuse for cake works for me.”
“Will you have more babies, Mom?” she inquired.
I explained that I wouldn’t, and soon after, she shared her thoughts about her own future family.
“I don’t care if I have a boy or a girl. I just want a healthy baby,” she declared.
I remembered saying the same phrase countless times during my pregnancy. Family and friends often asked about my preference for a boy or girl, and my response was usually a safe “as long as they’re healthy.” It was an easy answer, but I hadn’t truly contemplated the implications of those words. Hearing them from Sophie, however, struck me differently.
We often use this phrase to avoid seeming to favor one gender over the other. What if I had had a boy and admitted I wanted a girl? Would that imply disappointment in the child I carried for nine months? No parent intends to suggest anything less than unconditional love for their baby, but when we say, “I don’t care as long as it’s healthy,” we inadvertently express a desire for perfection.
This sentiment disregards the reality faced by many parents with children who have special needs. I know just as many families with children who are differently abled as I do those with typical children. Putting myself in their shoes, I realize that saying we only want a healthy baby can come off as harsh and exclusionary. I have yet to meet a parent of a child with special needs who loves their child any less, simply because they are not “healthy.” So, why do we continue to say we only want a healthy child?
What I believe people mean is that they wish for their child to be free from suffering. I can relate to that feeling; the thought of my daughter in pain is unbearable. However, it’s essential to recognize that this desire can be unrealistic.
When we express a desire for a healthy baby, we unintentionally perpetuate ableism and overlook those who may not fit the traditional mold of health. Instead of chastising others for their choice of words, let’s foster a more inclusive mindset by saying:
“I want the child I am meant to have.”
This phrasing is kinder, more accurate, and encompasses all possibilities. It reflects love, acceptance, and gratitude. When we express, “I want the child I am meant to have,” we affirm our openness to every outcome. We are embracing the child that is on their way, regardless of gender, abilities, or quirks.
On the ride home from the baby shower, I turned to Sophie and asked, “Would you love your babies any less if they were sick?”
“Of course not!” she laughed, finding the idea silly.
“Do you think I would stop wanting you if you weren’t healthy? Absolutely not. My love for you is unconditional,” I assured her.
“I’ll love my babies the same,” she replied.
I took the opportunity to explain that not all babies are born healthy and that many children are unique, but they are still cherished and celebrated. No life is a disappointment.
“Every baby should be celebrated, right, Mom?” she asked.
“Right,” I confirmed.
“With cake,” she added.
“Definitely with cake,” I smiled.
If you’re interested in more about home insemination, check out this post on intracervical insemination for more insights. Additionally, for those considering artificial insemination options, Make a Mom offers excellent resources. For in-depth information about pregnancy and IVF, Healthline is a fantastic resource.
In summary, while it’s natural to wish for a healthy baby, it’s more inclusive and compassionate to express a desire for the child we are meant to have. This shift in language can create a more accepting environment for all families, regardless of their unique circumstances.