By: Janelle Carter
Date: April 28, 2023
I have always found it difficult to understand parents who insist that their children should maintain their virginity until marriage. To begin with, we do not have ownership over our children’s bodies. Their virginity and the timing of its loss are entirely theirs to decide.
Encouraging children to adopt such a mindset is unrealistic. If they conclude that they wish to engage in premarital sex, they should feel free to explore that choice without shame or fear of judgment. Sex is a natural aspect of life, and trying to impose our beliefs on our children’s sexuality is ultimately self-serving. Who does that really benefit?
Moreover, advocating for abstinence can severely hinder communication between parents and their children. While kids may still choose to act on their desires, they are less likely to share those experiences with us. I, for one, value open communication far more than attempts at control that are destined to fail.
There is also an element of hypocrisy here. Many parents had fulfilling sexual experiences before they married, so why expect our children to limit themselves to one partner for life, as traditional marriage vows suggest? If you are a parent who genuinely waited until marriage to have sex, you can certainly share your reasons with your children, but don’t impose your journey on them just because it worked for you.
I vaguely remember telling my father during my teenage years that I planned to wait until marriage to have sex. He praised my decision but didn’t pressure me. A year later, I realized that my vow stemmed more from a crush on a celebrity than from genuine conviction, and I chose instead to wait until I was in love and felt it was right.
I lost my virginity at 20. I liked the guy but was not in love with him. When I became pregnant with my son, his father and I were in a committed relationship, but we had no plans to marry.
Having not been raised with the notion of abstaining until marriage, I was curious about the reasons behind the “celibacy until marriage” stance. Unsurprisingly, much of what I found in a simple online search was rooted in religious beliefs.
One particular website, Aleteia.org, offered several intriguing arguments for delaying sexual activity until marriage, such as “it fosters better communication in dating,” “it strengthens relationships with parents,” and “it reduces the risk of abuse.” The implication was that sex somehow strips away the qualities that make one a good person, reducing them to mere hormones unable to communicate effectively. (Of course, I recognize that not all religious parents impart these views.)
Currently, my son is just 3 years old, so discussions about sex are still a ways off. However, time flies, and soon enough, he will be ready to have those conversations. I want him to understand that sex is a normal, natural, and positive experience, and that contemplating it and engaging in it consensually—while taking appropriate precautions—is entirely acceptable.
It astonishes me that sex continues to be a taboo topic in our society. Sex happens, and it’s not going to stop. According to Advocates for Youth, a group dedicated to educating young adults about reproductive health, around 70% of young people will have sex by age 19. I’m not promoting teenage sex, but I acknowledge its inevitability, and we must create a space for our kids to talk openly about their lives so we can support them effectively.
As a parent, it is essential for me to convey to my son that I support him while also encouraging him to thoughtfully consider what sex means and to only engage in it when he feels fully ready. I want to ensure he feels comfortable coming to me for discussions, where we can have mature dialogues about it. My goal is to provide him with as much information as possible so he can make educated choices and have access to contraception and STI testing.
Advocates for Youth also points out that about 95% of individuals have sex before marriage, especially in an era where people marry later in life. It’s unrealistic to expect everyone to wait until they’re 30 to have sex, and I certainly don’t.
Ultimately, my priority as a parent is to teach my son about safety and consent. The decision of when to have sex rests solely with him, and I will never pressure him to wait. Trusting that I have raised a responsible young man is vital. By forbidding sex or insisting on waiting until marriage, we create an aura of secrecy and allure that can make it more enticing.
I refuse to impose unrealistic expectations on my child and aim for him to approach me, rather than peers or the internet, with his questions. Like every parent, I hope to equip him with sound answers to his inquiries.
Summary
In advocating for open communication about sex, I emphasize that my children’s bodies are their own, and they should explore their sexuality without shame. I reject the notion of requiring them to wait until marriage, focusing instead on safety, consent, and informed choices. By fostering an environment of trust and dialogue, I can support my children in understanding this natural part of life.