Sunshine, soft sand, a fruity drink dribbling in my hand… and tears rolling down my cheeks? I had been anticipating this getaway for what felt like ages, yet once I finally embarked on my first solo vacation in 15 years (yes, you read that right), I found myself silently weeping behind my sunglasses. I sensed a breakdown was imminent, but I couldn’t muster the energy to get out of the hammock that offered a perfect sunset view.
Perhaps I was just worn out. Two flights and a long layover had left me running on empty as I arrived in beautiful Costa Rica after being awake for over 24 hours. Maybe it was hunger—those kale chips and gluten-free blueberry bars weren’t exactly appetizing during my overnight flight. It certainly didn’t help that I was seated next to an affectionate Swiss couple who seemed to have skipped their showers for a few days.
Or, maybe these tears were a reflection of pure joy. I was finally crossing off a bucket list item — learning to surf — and the excitement felt overwhelming. Yes, exhaustion, hunger, and happiness all converged, but that didn’t account for the uncontrollable sobbing that hit me like a freight train once I rolled out of the hammock and made it to my room. I threw myself onto the king-sized bed with crisp white sheets, which was all mine for the next week, and lost it.
After years of nurturing my three daughters, navigating through their victories and struggles, and always being surrounded by their laughter and bickering, I suddenly found myself alone—and it felt lonely. Caught up in the thrill of adventure, I hadn’t thought much about how I would feel being away from my daily life for an extended period. I didn’t expect to miss it. My daily routine often leaves me yearning for a moment of solitude. I’m a tightly-wound person, and taking time for myself is essential for my mental well-being.
I often steal a few minutes here and there to organize my thoughts and calm my anxiety. There’s usually some exercise involved, along with list-making, and a brief moment of stillness (though I hesitate to call it meditation since I’m not great at it). This rare “me time” is usually scattered and unstructured, more like little Band-Aids that help me navigate through the day. The occasional overnight getaway and treasured annual girls’ weekend is enjoyable, but they never allow me to fully transition out of “mom mode.”
Now, with an entire week away from my kids, husband, and home, I felt a wave of panic. This was my chance to detach from the responsibilities of motherhood, and yet I was miserable. I had no reason to worry about daily life back home. My husband can manage wonderfully with the kids, and my older daughters are mostly self-sufficient. Sure, my youngest requires more attention, but she can manage her own snacks and even takes care of her bathroom needs. They know how to grocery shop, do laundry, and get to their activities.
So why couldn’t I let go?
When my older two were young and my youngest hadn’t yet arrived, I craved time away. The few hours on Saturday afternoons when my husband took the kids were barely enough for me to recharge. A tropical vacation where I could sleep in, enjoy solitude, read a book, and not have a child clinging to me felt like a distant fantasy. I longed for that escape. I needed it.
Fast forward a decade, and I was living the dream—but that dream was back home. It took being thousands of miles away for me to realize I no longer needed a break from my life. At this point, I didn’t miss the chores and schedules of parenting. What I missed were my children, their laughter, their eye rolls, their unique humor, and how well I understood their needs through life’s challenges. Family life is demanding and requires much effort to keep everything running smoothly, but after these years, I’ve come to terms with it. I don’t need to escape. My life is filled with chaos, deep love, mundane routines, sleepless nights, and too much coffee. It’s a life full of wonder, and it’s worth missing.
That night, I cried myself to sleep while listening to my youngest’s lullaby playlist. I awoke with puffy eyes, still yearning for home but eager to discover who I am beyond “Mom.” As it turns out, I’m quite the aspiring surfer.
For more insights on navigating parenthood, check out this excellent resource from the CDC. And if you’re considering home insemination, you can find valuable information on that subject as well.
Summary:
In a heartfelt reflection, Jennifer Blake shares her unexpected emotional struggle during her first solo vacation in 15 years. Despite yearning for a break from the demands of motherhood, she finds herself missing her kids and the joy they bring. Through her journey, she discovers that she no longer craves an escape from her chaotic yet fulfilling life.