In the realm of motherhood, discussions about “self-care” often emphasize the importance of nurturing connections with adult friends. Articles frequently highlight the need for “girl’s nights out,” “wine evenings,” or casual coffee catch-ups. While these moments certainly offer a welcome break from the daily grind of managing toys and crayons, they often come with an unspoken truth: they can also be exhausting.
Sure, it’s enjoyable to dress up and hit the town until the clock strikes 10:30 and the fatigue sets in. Opening a bottle of wine after the kids are tucked in can be a delightful way to share laughs over mishaps—like when half your makeup finds its way into the toilet. And yes, the Starbucks in Target can serve as a refuge for expressing frustrations while still pondering little gifts for the kids. But to cultivate adult friendships, especially as a parent, it’s essential that those friendships consist of adults who communicate like grown-ups.
Let Me Elaborate
As a mom, my days are primarily spent deciphering what’s wrong. My children often enter a room in a huff, expecting me to unravel their latest grievance—like one child feeling blue because lions supposedly dislike baths. When there are genuine hurts, figuring out who pushed whom or how that bruise occurred is a relentless and thankless job. Just the other night, my 4-year-old sobbed for half an hour because I cleaned him up after a dinner mishap. When I finally learned he was upset because I wouldn’t allow him to eat the chips he had just vomited on, I couldn’t help but chuckle when he declared, “You broke my heart.” Yes, I broke his heart by denying him vomit-covered snacks.
Many days, my kids lounge on the couch with exaggerated sighs, and I hesitate to inquire about their woes—not because anything serious is amiss, but because I dread the response that might lead to an unnecessary outburst. For instance, I once snapped at my husband for making similar sounds while reading, demanding he communicate like an adult instead of giving me vague hints. I think my “mom voice” startled him into silence for the rest of the evening.
I am in the business of raising future adults, with my current batch of children all under the age of five. My goal is to guide them toward becoming articulate and functioning individuals. I simply don’t have the bandwidth to interpret sighs or ambiguous Facebook statuses. If you want to converse, I need you to be straightforward.
This isn’t to suggest that I have all the answers or that I’m flawless in adulthood. I make my share of mistakes—selfish and immature moments included. However, if we’re going to forge a friendship, I need you to express what’s on your mind. I lack the time and energy to play guessing games.
The Freedom to Choose
One of the joys of growing older is the freedom to choose where to invest your energy. I’ve had this conversation repeatedly with some of my closest friends. We can candidly discuss our desire to nurture certain friendships without feeling obligated to connect with everyone. It’s liberating to embrace that truth.
When we reach this level of honesty, “letting loose” means not fretting about the state of my home when a friend shows up with pizza and a movie for the kids. It means I can use my shirt as a makeshift spit-up rag for my newborn without a second thought, and it’s perfectly okay if you need to place my child in time-out. It’s about recognizing when I need a friend to share the chaos with me versus when I require assistance with the dishes because I haven’t seen my countertops since 2013. It’s about knowing that “wine night” can transform into “wine afternoon” and having the trust to suggest, “Maybe you should rethink how often you indulge in wine nights.”
I’m not seeking superficial or transient friendships now that I’m a mother. I desire connections devoid of drama and backstabbing. I want to be present for the highs and lows without hesitation. I want to apologize when necessary and extend forgiveness, moving forward like the adults we are meant to be.
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In summary, as a mother, I find great value in quality friendships over the sheer number of them. Nurturing relationships that are direct, honest, and supportive allows me to thrive amidst the chaos of parenting.