On the morning of my father’s funeral, I found myself sitting at the kitchen table, lost in thought as I gazed out the window. My coffee had long since cooled, but it was my daughter, then just 7 years old, who brought me back to the moment. She climbed into my lap for a comforting hug, her freshly washed hair bringing a sense of warmth amid the sadness. When she eventually hopped off to get dressed for the funeral, she asked, “Mommy, did you pack my play-outside clothes?”
When I explained that we would be wearing our best clothes to the service, she looked perplexed. “But, Mom, we’re going to get so dirty!” she insisted. It dawned on me that my daughter believed we would personally be burying my father—she thought we would be shoveling dirt. I couldn’t help but chuckle at her innocent misunderstanding; it felt like a much-needed moment of lightness in a heavy time.
Dealing with funerals and the concept of death is challenging for adults, and for children, it can be even more bewildering. As a parent, it can be difficult to know how to navigate these waters when a loved one passes away. Should you allow your child to be present during a loved one’s final days? Should they attend the funeral? While there are no definitive answers, here are four strategies to help your child through their first experience with loss.
1. Be Open and Ready to Answer Unexpected Questions
After my father’s passing, my children bombarded me with a range of queries, from the simple to the profound. They wanted to know where their grandfather was right after he died, what his last words were, and if heaven was cold. They were concerned about their own safety and needed reassurance that other family members wouldn’t leave them unexpectedly. We answered all their questions honestly, understanding that they were trying to make sense of their profound loss.
2. Read Books About Death That Are Suitable for Their Age
It may seem morbid, but sharing age-appropriate books about death can be incredibly beneficial. Children often connect with stories and fictional characters. When my daughter was dealing with my father’s death, her school counselor provided us with a Sesame Street book featuring Big Bird coping with loss. Such resources can assist children in processing their feelings and understanding the concept of death in a gentler way.
3. Purchase Stuffed Animals for Your Child and the Deceased
A friend suggested that my children choose three identical teddy bears before my father’s funeral. One bear for each child and one to accompany my father in his casket. This simple act created a tangible connection to their grandfather, offering them comfort as they navigated their grief. The bears have remained a source of solace for them and are often close by at night, providing reassurance on difficult days.
4. Don’t Shield Your Kids from the Dying Process
When my father was diagnosed with cancer, he was vibrant, but as time passed, he grew frail. While I noticed the gradual changes in his condition, my children simply remembered the joyful man who regularly FaceTimed them for homework help. When they looked at photo collages after his passing, they were surprised to see how sick he had become. Children can grasp the reality of dying in their own way, and their perspectives can be enlightening.
Reflecting on my father’s death, it was my children’s innocent views that helped me navigate my grief. Their simple outlook on life and death provided me with moments of healing and laughter. As we faced this tough journey, I was thankful for those little moments that reminded me that even in sorrow, joy could still exist.
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Summary: Helping your child cope with their first funeral experience involves honesty, age-appropriate resources, tangible connections, and openness about the dying process. These strategies can provide comfort and aid in their understanding of loss.