As my partner was nearing the end of her pregnancy, I found myself in a conversation with my supervisor about my upcoming paternity leave. This was three years ago.
“I wouldn’t take too much time off,” Mark remarked. “Your students might really struggle.” I sat at my desk while Mark leaned back in his chair, crossing his legs as he locked eyes with me.
Hearing the word “struggle” hit me hard. I suddenly felt a wave of guilt wash over me. While I didn’t believe Mark meant to make me feel that way, it still gave me pause. He was a seasoned educator, a single dad navigating the complexities of both work and family. He genuinely cared about the success of our students, yet I wondered if he understood the importance of being present for my own family during this pivotal time.
In my role as an academic advisor, I supported a diverse group of around 80 students, meeting with them bi-weekly. I could easily name several students who might have had to leave school without my assistance. My partner, Sarah, was due just as the spring semester was wrapping up, a particularly demanding time for students.
However, I was also acutely aware that my partner and our newborn would need my support. Having moved to Oregon just over a year prior, we were far from our families in Utah, relying on each other for emotional and logistical support. While Sarah’s mother planned to visit and we had a few friends nearby, it was clear I needed to be there for both my partner and our baby.
I had enough sick leave to take seven weeks off, and while the university allowed up to three months, I wouldn’t be compensated for all of it. This was my first professional role after college, but we already had two children. In the past, I worked in restaurants while finishing my degree, taking only a few days off when our first two were born. I often regretted not being more present during those early days, and I had promised myself I would take full advantage of paternity leave this time around.
But the pressure of professional responsibility loomed large. I felt torn between my commitment to my students and the needs of my family. That evening, Sarah and I discussed how much time I should take off while the kids were asleep, curled up on the couch.
“Seven weeks would be amazing,” Sarah said. “I’d really appreciate your help.”
I hesitated and shared Mark’s concerns. “I’m not worried about losing my job, but I do care about my students,” I confessed.
After some reflection, Sarah replied, “Having you at home would be great, but my mom will be here. I want you at the hospital, but other than that, I’ll manage.”
I often claim that being a dad comes first, while work is secondary, yet in that moment, I was conflicted. I felt like I was being selfish for wanting to take time off. The reality was that my students would likely be fine in my absence; life would carry on. Nevertheless, I felt guilty taking time away from work. I thought a man’s primary role was to provide financially, and I feared that taking paternity leave would make me seem like I was shirking my responsibilities.
Ultimately, I chose to prioritize my job, taking only two weeks off. Looking back, I regret that decision. Like with my previous children, I missed the chance to bond with my newborn during those crucial first weeks. I also missed out on supporting Sarah when she needed me the most.
Now that we’ve completed our family, I urge any expectant fathers reading this to resist the pressure I felt. If you have the chance to take paternity leave, seize it. Embrace every moment and support your family; you won’t regret it. For more insights on this topic, check out this excellent resource on artificial insemination.
Summary
As an expectant father, it’s crucial to prioritize paternity leave when possible. Balancing work and family can be challenging, but taking time off can strengthen familial bonds and ensure support during a critical transition. Don’t let workplace pressures deter you from being present; embrace the opportunity and enjoy those early moments with your new baby.