I stumbled across a meme recently that resonated with me—it featured a larger man on a surfboard with a caption that read, “When you abandon your diet and just say, ‘Forget it, I’m fat.’” Honestly, they could’ve just used my picture; it was that relatable.
Society has a way of dictating how I should feel about my body. I’m expected to be disheartened by my weight, to sit on the sidelines while my child plays, or to have a life-altering moment upon spotting the latest fitness magazine at the grocery store. The narrative often suggests I join a gym, shed pounds, and then share my story as an inspiration for others who are struggling.
But here’s the thing: when I’m told what I “should” do, my instinct is to rebel. Instead of striving to be someone’s thinspiration, perhaps I can be a FATspiration. So here’s my honest account of self-acceptance or whatever self-help jargon you prefer.
My Journey Begins
My journey didn’t start with self-love. I first realized I was overweight in the third grade. It could’ve been a comment from a peer, a family member, or perhaps I just noticed I didn’t fit the mold of the other girls in my class. This realization marked the beginning of my complicated relationship with weight.
Throughout elementary school, I thought I would simply “grow out of it.” In junior high, I slimmed down a bit but still felt inadequate compared to my peers. I remember being 135 pounds at 5-foot-2, which was a normal weight, yet I felt far from it. That’s when I began to experiment with fasting, and my inner critic became relentless.
High School Struggles
During high school, my weight fluctuated, and I never felt satisfied. I convinced myself that wearing a bikini was out of the question. Fortunately, I attended a small school where bullying wasn’t rampant, but my own self-deprecating humor and sharp tongue kept me off the radar. Even so, the worst bully was always my own mind.
By graduation, I was in a relationship with my first husband and weighed 165 pounds. I felt desperate to regain control. I resorted to fasting and weight loss pills, creating a vicious cycle that contributed to my insecurities.
Life Changes
After discovering I had hypothyroidism, I thought things would improve, but life threw me a curveball when I severely injured my ankle. I became immobile for months and gained significant weight, ultimately reaching 250 pounds by the time my first marriage ended. While my weight wasn’t the sole reason for the breakup, I often blamed it for my unhappiness. I was consumed by shame and self-loathing.
A year post-divorce, I crash-dieted and lost weight quickly, receiving compliments and attention from men. But even at my thinnest, I was still haunted by self-doubt. Despite fitting societal ideals, I wasn’t truly happy; the negativity just shifted focus to other insecurities.
A New Perspective
Then I met my current husband. Falling in love and becoming a parent shifted my priorities dramatically. The birth of my daughter was transformative; it made me rethink what happiness really meant. I recognized that life is filled with challenges and that I didn’t want to burden my child with the same self-hatred I had endured. I decided to stop the cycle.
I began to let go of my obsession with diets, my jeans size, and the opinions of others. I stopped feeling guilty about food and released the notion that my worth was tied to my weight. While my insecurities didn’t vanish, I learned that everyone has struggles, regardless of their appearance. I focused on appreciating life beyond the scale. Does that mean I’ll never attempt to lose weight again? Not necessarily. But for now, that’s not my priority.
Challenging Societal Norms
I know some may view me as lazy or undisciplined, claiming I contribute to rising healthcare costs due to my “unhealthy” lifestyle. There was a time I would have agreed. Today, however, I embrace my body and aim to challenge those narrow viewpoints. If my presence irritates someone, I take it as a win, laughing as I enjoy my cheeseburger.
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Conclusion
In summary, my journey toward self-acceptance has been tumultuous, but I’ve learned to appreciate life beyond societal expectations. I no longer let my weight dictate my happiness, and instead, I focus on what truly matters: my family and embracing the present.