I’ve spent countless hours lying in the dark beside a restless child, hoping they will finally drift off to sleep. When things get tough, I sometimes find myself hiding under the covers with my phone on the lowest brightness, scrolling through social media while praying my half-asleep child doesn’t notice my late-night screen time.
Yet other nights are far from miserable; they can be truly beautiful. Watching my kids transition from wakefulness to dreams can be as magical and intimate as I envisioned parenting would be before I truly understood its challenges. Occasionally, in the quiet of the night, my children will snuggle up close, and I’ll catch a whiff of their sweet hair or feel their warm cheeks against my neck. In those moments, I feel overwhelmed with gratitude as they share their thoughts—opening up in ways they seldom do while awake.
I’ve heard all the arguments against the habit of lying down with your children until they fall asleep. It’s often the first habit parents are advised to break as their kids grow. But what if you decided not to? What if, instead of pushing them away, you gently rocked or nursed them to sleep? As they grow older, what if you continued to hold their hands or pat their backs until they were settled? And even after they’ve outgrown those practices, what if they still request your presence to help them drift off?
You might wonder how they will ever learn to self-soothe or fall asleep independently. Will you be creating children who can’t function without you? The answer is a resounding no. Research shows that children who feel securely attached to their caregivers tend to develop greater independence in the long run. Providing them with a sense of security fosters confidence and allows them to navigate the world more effectively.
I don’t believe every family must adhere to this bedtime practice, as there are many paths to raise secure children. However, if this approach works for your family, there’s no reason to avoid it. Allowing your children to have this closeness doesn’t mean they will be unable to adapt when you’re not around or that they won’t learn to fall asleep on their own.
I choose to lie down with my kids because they want me there, because it’s something we’ve always done, and because those extra 10 to 20 minutes of waiting are significant for them. It’s rare in our busy lives filled with school, work, and activities to have moments of genuine closeness, especially those sweet minutes just before sleep.
Honestly, I also don’t enjoy falling asleep alone. If my partner is away, it takes me ages to drift off, and I think my kids, at ages 4 and 9, deserve that extra comfort too. I lie down with them because, despite having nights when my older child didn’t need me at all, I know the times he does need me are limited, and I want to be there for him.
I lie down with my boys because societal norms often teach boys to suppress their feelings. I believe it’s crucial for them to express their needs and desires openly. Yes, there are moments when I feel agitated or overwhelmed at the end of a long day, but I recognize that those minutes spent with my kids as they drift off are invaluable.
In the end, I wouldn’t trade those moments for anything. They hold a significance that far outweighs any momentary frustration.
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Summary
Lying down with your kids until they fall asleep can foster security and intimacy, countering the notion that it creates dependency. Many parents, like Lisa, find these moments invaluable in a busy world. They serve as a time for connection and understanding, helping children feel loved and secure.