The truth is, no parent has all the answers, and despite our best efforts, there’s a chance that our children may not turn out as we hope. They might become the “black sheep” of the family—the child who strays far from the values we instilled. As a father of three, this notion genuinely terrifies me. I love each of my kids deeply, and my greatest wish is for them to grow into kind and successful individuals. Ultimately, I aspire for them to be better people than I am. But if they don’t reach that ideal, what does that say about my parenting skills?
In my role at a local university, I often teach incoming students about Stephen Covey’s concepts of the Circle of Concern and Circle of Influence. The Circle of Concern includes all the worries we have—our health, our children’s futures, job issues, and even global conflicts. On the other hand, the Circle of Influence covers the areas where we can make a difference—the things we can actually control.
This lesson is designed to help students concentrate on their Circle of Influence to gain a sense of control over their lives. For example, while we can’t change the weather, we can carry an umbrella; or while we can’t improve a poor professor, we can utilize textbooks, online resources, or study groups to succeed academically.
Every time I present this lesson, I reflect on my primary concern as a parent: What kind of people will my children become? What will their values and aspirations be? And how much of that will I attribute to my parenting if they make poor choices?
This dilemma is inherent to parenting. While it may feel like we have substantial control over our kids, they are unique individuals who will ultimately develop their own identities, often beyond our influence. I grapple with this reality. It’s not that I’m a control freak; it’s more about the fear that my children might not fulfill their potential. If they do stray, I’ll undoubtedly feel the weight of responsibility and guilt.
To combat this anxiety, I’ve shifted my focus from what I can’t control (my Circle of Concern) to what I can influence (my Circle of Influence). The truth is, the only thing I can truly control is myself. I can set a positive example as a father, teach my children valuable lessons, and demonstrate love and respect in my interactions with them and others. I can nurture a strong foundation of values and beliefs, showing them the importance of kindness, respect, and education.
We live in a world rife with negative influences. One day, my children will engage with social media, choose political affiliations, and form opinions on various social issues. While I can’t dictate these external influences, I can establish a robust framework within my home. I can articulate my hopes for the kind of individuals I want them to become and embody those ideals through my actions.
It all comes down to action—showing, teaching, and living in a way that illustrates how to interact with the world as a good, moral, and ethical person. This is critical; we must not underestimate how our actions shape our children’s perceptions of right and wrong. We need to be transparent about our expectations and reinforce these values throughout their developmental years.
Many parents are already doing this, gently guiding their children toward a positive future and demonstrating what it means to love and care for others. If that’s the case for you, then you’re effectively operating within your Circle of Influence, which is, in my opinion, the most valuable contribution you can make to ensure your child grows to their full potential.
Of course, my children are still young, and I haven’t seen the full picture yet. Perhaps my perspective will change when they reach their teenage years. However, I often come across a humorous meme that suggests it’s a parent’s job to eliminate the “jerk” qualities in their children. While amusing, it leaves me pondering what that truly entails.
I think it means focusing on your Circle of Control as a parent—seizing every opportunity to raise your children to be strong, moral individuals. And if they do choose a different path despite your best efforts, you can find solace in knowing they made those choices independently, despite your thoughtful guidance.
In the end, every parent desires to feel confident that they did everything possible to help their children thrive.
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Summary
Parenting is fraught with uncertainty, and no one can predict how children will turn out. While parents can control their actions and the example they set, ultimately, children are unique individuals who will make their own choices. By focusing on our Circle of Influence—our values, actions, and teachings—we can provide the foundation for our children to grow into their best selves. Even if they stray from our ideals, we can find comfort in knowing we did our best to guide them.