I’ve recently started seeing a therapist to help with my anxiety, and let me tell you, she’s been asking me some real doozies about my values. Apparently, most of mine stem from “not” statements.
When she inquired about my career aspirations, I replied, “To not get fired.” For my spiritual life, I said, “To not end up in a fiery pit.” And when she asked about my role as a parent and husband, I admitted, “To not be like my dad.”
Now, my relationship with my father was less than ideal. He walked out on my mom when I was just a kid, and after a series of marriages, he passed away due to his addictions. I was the one bailing him out of jail with my pizza-making money. It felt like he was a franchise owner of broken families.
The divorce between my parents was brutal, bouncing me back and forth and forcing me to pick sides when all I wanted was harmony. I have no desire for my kids to meet new moms and siblings every couple of years. I certainly don’t want them to scrape together bail money for me.
My therapist pointed out that when people express their values through “not statements,” it often reveals anxiety. It indicates that they’re running from something rather than moving toward something better. She encouraged me to focus on what I truly want.
For anyone who grew up in a challenging household, it’s a strong motivator to do better. I’ve spent a big chunk of my adult life striving not to be my father. He drank, so I don’t. He didn’t pursue education, so I did. He left wives as easily as he changed shirts, so I’ve committed to sticking with mine.
And while commitment hasn’t taken much effort, I’ve made it clear that divorce is off the table for me. My father’s solution to a rocky marriage was to walk away, but I’m all about weathering the storms and coming out stronger on the other side.
This whole exploration of values led me to ponder whether avoiding my father’s mistakes equates to being a good father—or even a great one. Anyone from a broken home should ask themselves this question, whether they’re a parent or not. It can be daunting to admit you want to be better than your parents, especially when they weren’t exactly shining examples. That sets the bar pretty low.
This reflection on values has prompted me to look forward instead of backward. Every parent eventually faces the moment when they need to stop measuring their progress against the poor examples of their own upbringing and start defining the kind of parent they aspire to be. That’s how you truly break the cycle.
I’ve been mulling over what I value as a father. I want my kids to know I love them unequivocally. I want them to feel safe with me. Most importantly, I want them to visualize what a good father truly looks like.
I want them to witness me loving their mother through my actions. Love should be visible, not just a word. I want them to see me take her out on dates, surprise her with flowers, and compromise when necessary. I want them to observe me getting frustrated, taking a breath, and trying again. I want them to see me head to work daily because sometimes love is just that practical. I want them to hear me offer prayers at dinner for their well-being.
It took me years to start focusing on who I want to be as a father instead of who I don’t want to be. I believe that teaching my kids to look ahead at their aspirations—rather than concentrating on what they want to avoid—is a significant leap forward.
In the end, I can’t dictate how my children will turn out. I can’t force them to be great parents, pursue college, or care for others. What I can do is set a solid example. I can show them what it means to be a good father, and in doing so, I’ll be giving them far more than my own father ever offered.
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In summary, my journey toward becoming a better parent involves defining my values, setting a positive example, and ensuring my children understand what a good father looks like.