People frequently ask me, “How’s it going?” when they find out I’ve entered the world of motherhood. It’s akin to strangers on the street casually inquiring about your day—no one really wants the full truth. As new moms, we’re expected to beam with joy, glance down at our little ones, and say, “It’s absolutely amazing!” before diving back into our chaotic, never-ending routines.
Trust me, I’ve attempted to share a more honest perspective. I’ve said things like: “It’s not as daunting as I anticipated.” (I was genuinely afraid my life was over.) Or: “It’s challenging; I’m exhausted, but he’s a pretty great baby.” (Most of the time!) I’ve even mentioned, “The lack of free time can be a real downer.” (Hard to argue with that, right?) Typically, I’m met with puzzled looks, as if I should consider therapy or hand my baby over to the authorities.
But let’s get real for a moment. Life with a newborn is tough. It’s filled with incredible moments—joyful, heartwarming, and miraculous experiences—but it also demands a monumental effort to keep that tiny human alive when previously, our only responsibility was ourselves. We finally grasp why those moms rolled their eyes when we, back in college, claimed to be “so busy/tired/stressed.” We had no clue.
As my baby approaches his first birthday (and surprise—I’m expecting another!), I’ve learned that we mothers also need to thrive. Yes, we require time to recover, bond, and rest. However, once the fog lifts and we’re no longer functioning like sleep-deprived zombies, we must carve out time for ourselves. And it’s absolutely doable—even for a woman who moved halfway across the world, away from her family and friends—read: no built-in babysitters.
Here’s how to reclaim your identity:
1. Don’t hesitate to ask for help.
Start with your partner. Forget if they’re busy working or engrossed in video games; parenting is a partnership. You need some breathing space to be an effective mother and primary caregiver. Arrange for a few hours a week where you can do anything you desire, even if that means doing nothing at all.
2. Keep indulging in what made you ‘you.’
Were you a runner? An artist? A baker? Once you’re ready (and cleared by your doctor), dive back into those passions! I run while my baby sleeps or push him in a jogging stroller. I’m a writer, but I can’t write as much as I did pre-baby, so I make a point to journal daily, at the very least. Reintroduce something you loved before motherhood, even if it’s on a smaller scale.
3. Prioritize sleep.
Sounds like a joke, I know. But sleep is essential—especially for moms. Your baby may sleep anywhere from 11 to 18 hours a day, albeit not all at night. If you’re on maternity leave or at home, take at least one nap when your baby sleeps. If you feel overwhelmed with chores, aim to hit the sack early. Consider asking your partner to take the baby during weekends or enlist family or friends for support. New moms often fear being viewed as “lazy,” but seize every chance to catch some z’s—your baby needs you alert and functioning!
4. Get outside.
Taking your newborn into the “real world” can be daunting. After having my son at home, I couldn’t fathom stepping outside. But after a few days indoors, I felt anxious and paranoid. When I finally ventured out for a walk, it was liberating. I felt normal again, and it was a significant accomplishment to bring my baby outside safely.
5. Don’t let motherhood stifle your dreams.
This one’s crucial. Society often suggests that mothers must pause their lives and abandon their aspirations. While motherhood is undeniably challenging, it shouldn’t be a dead end—think of it more like a speed bump. Sure, you might slow down for a bit, but your dreams don’t vanish just because you became a mother. We don’t tell fathers to put their ambitions on hold after having children, right? Don’t succumb to the pressure to be “just a mom.” If you want to stay at home, that’s fantastic, but if you’re eager to chase your goals, you absolutely can.
As I prepare for my second child, I’ve faced a barrage of questions about my plans for law school from friends and family, all focused on “the babies.” Yet, when my husband pursued his MBA while working full-time, no one batted an eye. I dismissed the irrelevant inquiries and concentrated on the important ones (childcare, finances, etc.), and I’m set to begin law school next year.
Motherhood is undeniably tough. Even the strongest among us need rest, adjustment time, and moments to breathe. But we can “have it all,” despite what endless articles may suggest. It will require sacrifices from the entire family, maybe even a pinch of financial strain, but it is achievable.
So, if you’re currently navigating those sleepless nights, wondering how you’ll shower this week, remember: this phase will pass. Life is fleeting, and some days may be filled with tears, but it will eventually get better. When it does, don’t forget about your aspirations. You’re now a role model for someone who will look to you for inspiration to pursue their dreams, so set that example!
For more tips on navigating parenthood, check out this insightful post on intracervical insemination or learn more about the process of in vitro fertilisation.