If you’ve ever cracked open “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People,” you might recall a memorable exchange between Stephen Covey and a man lamenting about falling out of love with his wife. Covey’s response was straightforward yet profound:
“Love her.”
“But I don’t feel that way anymore.”
“Then love her. If you lack the feeling, that’s even more reason to act on it.”
“But how can I love when I don’t feel it?”
“My friend, love is a verb. The emotion is merely a byproduct of the action. So love her. Serve her. Sacrifice. Listen. Empathize. Appreciate. Affirm her. Are you ready to do that?”
Covey was emphasizing a proactive approach—actively pursuing what you desire instead of waiting for it to come to you. But what does that actually look like in everyday life?
I met my wife, Sarah, in 2004 while working at a local plant nursery. She was the resident plant whisperer, and I was the manager trying to keep things running smoothly. Our forbidden romance had that thrilling spark, with stolen kisses hidden in the aisles. I was captivated by her smile and the way she moved—everything about her made my heart race. Falling in love felt effortless.
Fast forward over a decade, and we’ve settled into a comfortable rhythm. With three kids in the mix, finding even 30 minutes to binge-watch a Netflix show together can feel like a luxury. I can’t quite define love, but I never expected it to look like two people on a couch, one with a laptop and the other scrolling through a tablet, with Parks and Recreation lighting up the room.
In those moments of shared space but divided attention, it can feel like love is slipping away. Romantic love seems so fragile—if you can fall in love, then surely you can fall out of it. It’s almost like love is a self-driving car, careening off course at any moment. But that’s not the whole truth. Yes, you might have initially fallen for your partner, but falling out of love requires inaction. Staying in love is like gripping the steering wheel and actively steering the course.
Love is a continuous effort. It’s about sending a flurry of “I love you” texts, making phone calls just to check in, sharing warm hugs, planning date nights, and flashing those little smiles. It’s about picking up the slack when your partner needs a breather—whether that’s watching the kids or managing the budget when they’re swamped. Love means proofreading those countless college assignments while working a demanding job at the nursery, all so your partner can chase their dreams.
Love is also about balancing free time, ensuring that both partners have equal opportunities for self-care, hobbies, or even a little solitude. It’s looking at your partner, realizing that their body may have changed through the years (thanks to those little ones who fill your life with joy), and appreciating the beauty of sacrifice.
This is the essence of Covey’s message: “Love is a verb.” For those with children, you know what this entails. You feel love when you stay up with a feverish child or help a squirmy kid with homework after a taxing day. Yet, many couples fail to translate this understanding of love as action into their relationships.
Sheryl Paul, a best-selling author and counselor, once remarked on this phenomenon. She pointed out that many individuals walk away from solid relationships because reality doesn’t match the fairy tale. It’s time to replace “you complete me” with “you inspire me to be my best self” or “with you, I can grow in my ability to love.” We need to dismantle unrealistic fantasies, so those entering marriage can build a solid foundation for their shared journey.
Now, I won’t claim that Sarah and I excel at all these actions every day, but I do feel her love through her efforts, and I’m certain she feels mine in return. Long-term love isn’t a euphoric high; it’s practical, sacrificial, and intentional. It involves genuine action and compromise. It means digging deep and choosing to love, even when your partner annoys you—whether it’s their subpar dishwasher loading skills or that laugh that once charmed you but now grates on your nerves. In those frustrating moments, you have to consciously decide to love them, flaws and all.
It’s a challenge, but then again, so is marriage. Love is a verb.
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In summary, love isn’t just a feeling; it’s an ongoing action that requires effort and commitment. By embracing the idea that love is a verb, couples can navigate the ups and downs of marriage and build lasting, fulfilling relationships.