About a year ago, my son Ethan burst into the house wearing his rollerblades, soaking wet from playing outside with a garden hose. He was a sturdy little guy, decked out in his school polo and khaki shorts, gleefully spraying water everywhere while screaming with delight. Upon entering the house, he announced his urgent need to use the bathroom.
I was lounging on the couch, folding laundry, when I heard the squelch of his rollerblades on the kitchen floor. “Ethan,” I called out, “please take off those rollerblades and dry off before you come in.” It was clear to me that I wanted to protect our floors, but more importantly, I knew that attempting to pee while still in those wet rollerblades was a recipe for disaster. Honestly, I’m an adult, and I’d probably struggle with that maneuver too.
But being eight, Ethan didn’t heed my warning. He confidently strutted past me toward the bathroom, shoulders back and head held high, clearly thinking he had everything under control. “Dude! You really think you can manage that in rollerblades?” I cautioned. “You could get hurt!”
“I really have to go, Dad,” he insisted. I wasn’t convinced; I knew he was just being a bit lazy. I could have easily grabbed him, yanked off those rollerblades, and forced him into a towel, but I chose not to. I wanted him to experience the lessons that come from making mistakes.
I’ve heard the saying “Let your kids make their own choices” countless times, but as a parent, it’s been a real challenge. With a decade of dad experience under my belt and now on my third child, I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve intercepted one of my kids just before they took a tumble off the bed or insisted they finish a school project to avoid facing the consequences. Yet, as I’ve matured into my 30s, I’ve gotten better at stepping back and letting my kids learn from their actions.
However, as a relatively young parent, I sometimes feel like I’m still figuring out this whole “natural consequences” thing. It can seem like my children will never learn. They might ignore my warnings, get hurt, and then do the same thing again. Or they might dodge injury on the second or third attempt, which makes it feel like I’m the lone voice on a sinking ship, desperately warning them to steer clear of the iceberg. What if they never get the chance to learn?
Sometimes, it involves social blunders with friends—when they act rudely or embarrass themselves, and I hope their peers will correct them. But that doesn’t always happen, leaving me to wonder if they’ll ever recognize their behavior without my input. In those moments, I feel the urge to intervene even more.
As Ethan locked himself in the bathroom, I was torn between hope that he would learn a valuable lesson and doubt that he ever would. That’s the tricky part about natural consequences; there’s no guaranteed way to ensure a child learns from their mistakes.
Reflecting on this, I thought about my own childhood and how my mother dealt with my antics—strutting around in my underwear, munching on junk food, or rollerblading inside the house. I was no different than Ethan. My mother took a balanced approach: she offered guidance, stepped in when things were dangerously out of hand, and let me learn from my poor decisions when it was safe to do so.
That’s why this moment with Ethan sticks with me. I warned him, explained my reasoning, and then let him learn.
I heard the toilet seat lift, followed by a loud thud. I don’t know if he was in the middle of his business or how hard he hit the floor, but I could tell he spent quite a while in there. Eventually, he emerged, still damp from his outdoor escapades, making it hard to tell if he had an accident. His eyes were slightly red from tears, and his upper lip quivered. He held his rollerblades in both hands. The dad in me wanted to deliver a lecture, but I held back; he needed to save face. Deep down, I believed he had learned something important.
“Are you okay?” I asked. He didn’t elaborate on what happened or offer an excuse; he simply nodded.
“Will you take off your rollerblades next time?” I inquired. He nodded again and headed back outside.
In parenting, it’s essential to find a balance between guidance and allowing kids to learn on their own. It’s not always easy, but those moments can lead to significant growth.
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In summary, allowing children to experience the natural consequences of their actions is crucial for their growth. While it can be challenging to step back as a parent, these lessons often lead to personal development and understanding.